khunalexandra

Been a While

2009-04-10T04:30:00.000-07:00

It's been a while for me to update this; I bought a new laptop and still have journals and so I have these "snippets" all over the place.
The Hike for Hospice planning is coming along very well, and your pledges have made all the difference and have been very kind and generous.
I will do a proper update in a few days. Last weekend I ended up in Hamilton Hospital, which felt like a big mistake, so this weekend Mike and I will be in the back garden getting ready for spring! Happy Easter!!! xox

Dominican Republic photos

2009-03-12T04:40:00.000-07:00

Well, the top pic. is from "Paradise Island", a snorkeling trip that was good.

The second pic. is Santo Domingo, the capitol city of D.R..

Third: Our room we "lucked" into because there are no elevators and my mother-in-law has a bad knee, so we switched rooms sight unseen. We have yet to show her this!

Fourth: Me! Happy.

Panoramic View of Ocean from Resort

The facts, ma'am

2009-03-01T03:35:00.000-08:00

I haven't posted too many things lately because everything moves on and I was actually quite busy. Unfortunately, and how was anyone to know without checking, this crazy space cancer lies in wait to grow faster than imagined, or as fast as usual, depending upon the perspective you hold. I hope that the D/C cycle "takes" again, because I can feel the tumor under my lower left rib. At night and sometimes when I put my attention on it, which seems to be all the time now, I feel a burning sensation which I hope and hope is divine intervention, but I know is tumor. Just suck up that medication!
So living in denial worked beautifully for a long, long time. And denial isn't the right word, because there's always an awareness of, so really it's more of a forbiddance of domination: mind, body, and spirit.
Again, that is the fight right now, so there's not much reading I'm doing to build up strength. I have to stop yoga for 3 weeks, I have one more session, the 2 weeks off with my guide/therapist because.....We are off to the Domnican Republic. This is a very generous gift from, and with, my mother-in-law. Unrelated to my mother-in-law I have what I hope is an ulcer. This has been threatening my peace of mind, on and of, since my colonoscopy waaaaaaay back last March, with no recurrent pain until Christmas, then whammo, crazy pain the week before this excellent trip. Yesterday I thought innocenttly, "I'll try tums". Not too much happened, so I thought. "I'll try pepto-bismol". I won't get too detailed, but there was definitely a build-up of hydro-chloric acid in my system. So today I am trying yogurt and cereal before my coffee, and maybe 1 cup of coffee. Maybe 2. I really have limited what and the amount that I eat. All before an all inclusive resort!
I plan to call the Dr. on Monday, alert him of the situation and ask for any precautions. He's already gven me antibiotics to take in case anything should happen. What a pill popper I am.
I can already say "I take this medication regularly" in Spanish.

2009-02-18T14:54:00.000-08:00

Not too happy with today's CT scan and Dr.'s interpretation. We had a 6 week break from chemo, and there has been growth in 1 tumor that I was shown. The problem is, no one sees how fast these things grow until they see it, so that saying "I think this is happening" doesn't get a ball rolling. Also, we are nearing the end/threshold for one of the drugs I've been given, because the side effects are grave when they occur, and we're not sure what's left up the Dr.'s sleeve. So here comes that wall, faster than I had hoped, and yet my foot has to stay on the gas.

Ugh

2009-01-21T04:40:00.000-08:00

"How do you feel about death?" the new kind of physical therapist asks.
"I don't like it," I say.
"Maybe you need to explore your feelings about death."
Maybe not, I think, but the door has been opened. The stones I so carefully placed at the decayed door, beautifully set and rising so high, start falling apart. Those big, thick boulders I rolled against that festering surface just crumble to dust.
And now I'm so angry I hardly know how to express myself without betraying the rage I so righteously feel against the intruder. Inside I draw my tattered sword and look with withered hope to my patched up armour, like a dirty quilt. And there goes my strength again, running arm-in-arm away with my sneaky courage. Being egged on by my motivation, who I see way off in the distance. We all want to run away from the big, nasty door. But now I have to stay. I'll have to round those comerades up later, again, like before, and before and before.
I tell her that we do not have to explore death, that I have someone else for that, and that we need not go there. I should have told her that death, to me, to many others, is not a theory. It's not the shoulder shrugging "we all have to face it someday" foe. It is the Life or Death foe. The Now or Never foe. It is Death. It needs a brave and sturdy foe itself. Death would walk all over you if you let it.

Happy New Year

2009-01-03T04:57:00.000-08:00

New Year!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! A hopeful new outlook devloping.
I've been keeping a giant journal of sorts, and for January I've done a review of December.
My hope is to become busier with meaningful activity, and perhaps purposeful work.
I have just finished the last cycle of this chemo, which has been doing a great trick, and after an up-coming heart test we'll figure out the next step.
I have a shadow of hair on my head, the neuropathy seems to be fading out a bit.

Best things of the last year that have helped me toward healing:

Therapy with my Guide/Teacher: She is leading me to the right places. Absolutely.

Hypnotherapy: Even though I am not now doing this regularly, I have recorded sessions on to the computer and occasionally use these for visualization and meditation.

Reading: All of the books listed here. And others, specifically Edgar Cayce as a recent reintroduction for perspective that I find very helpful.

Relationships: All of these have been altered, somehow. These feel much healthier, loving, and valued. The more that I pay attention to my interactions with others, the clearer things are.

Mike, Mike, Mike: Unbelievable love and support. I'm so lucky.

Family: ditto, and included also in relationships.

What has amazed me the whole way along, starting at the beginning, is the way in which I've been placed with the best Dr.s and professionals for me at each moment and at each transition. Also, I have stepped in when things weren't going well and altered those situations for the better by actively doing something to change the situation.

I loved the Christmas cards this year, making cookies and getting the tree. Making decisions without guilt and having things turn out just fine.

Learning to work with fear. Feeling peaceful in the midst of fear. Having a feeling of peace and faith trump fear. Learning about becoming patient.

So much.

Keeping on keeping on

2008-12-15T03:01:00.000-08:00

Sometimes it feels as if there is just a stasis, and that I'm not getting past resentments and I'm not hopeful enough or there's a right way to do things and I've taken a left turn. This morning I feel like I need to be guided out of a welling funk. It's possible that I'm letting my mind wander, and it's also possible that I'm experiencing fear.

After the Dr.s Appointment

2008-12-12T04:52:00.000-08:00

My fabulous Dr. reiterated that there has been significant improvement throught my tumor (plural) shrinkage, so we'll continue with 2 more chemo rounds, then do a radioactive heart test, because one of my drugs causes heart problems at a certain threshold, much as the cisplatin caused neuropathy. Don't want that!!
I am meditating more, now, to the self-recorded ones from the Simonton recommended ones in his book, as well as modified ones from the scripts which there is a link for on these pages. These are becoming more clear and mentally powerful as I practice them more.
Not juicing as much as I should but I am totally aware of what I'm eating.
My therapy is the greatest psycho/emotional helper - I'm blessed and guided to be placed with my Teacher/Guide. And now, as I start to open up to Mike about the things I discuss with my Guide, he's known some of these things all along~ What the??? But he's known it for himself; I may have suspected these things, been told about them or have been informed to do them before, but I haven't known it for me, and I think you need or have to know certain things yourself. You have to learn to perceive and then see anew. And then ACT anew, from the heart.
I have managed to do this before (during a particularily torturous employment period) which changed the conditions in my life dramatically as I received my next job, which I adored.
But, obviously, there's more that needs changing as I refocus my life in many different ways.

prescription

2008-12-11T03:39:00.000-08:00

2 more rounds of chemo, heart test, then CT scan. Apparently one of my drugs affects the heart, much in the way that one of my former drugs affected the nerves. Things are still shrinking, though, and other things are less prominent. There has been a significant improvement overall, and I go for chemo today, then again New Year's Eve day. On I walk, but looking around more.

Sudden recurrence of thought

2008-12-08T04:02:00.000-08:00

Who I am is not diminished without hair. Who we are is not diminished by illness or disability.

CT scan today

2008-12-04T10:20:00.000-08:00

Today is the scan that tells of the success of this round of chemo.
Man, I pray that this is good.
My throat has been throbbing with tears this week, and last.
It's letting go of the rope and just jumping. Stepping out of the boat.

Summer Pictures

2008-12-03T03:51:00.000-08:00

In case anyone is weary of the weather, here are some pictures for you. Click on them and you can feel like you're there!

Setting Goals and a 2 Year Health Plan

2008-11-30T05:34:00.000-08:00

(Simonton, p.105)
"The goals to set in your 2 year health plan are bottom-line goals, the minimum you intend to accomplish.....This week, do no more than setting your goals in the first 3 areas. Take several weeks to complete your work on this assignment."

"Creating Your Plan

Step One

Life activities have artificially been divided into 6 different categories: purpose in life, play, exercise, social support, nutrition, and creative thinking.

1. Purpose in life: Activities that answer the question, 'Why am I here?' These might include your occupation, your role in the family, your spiritual or civic activities, or anything else that gives you reason or zest for living.

2. Play: Any activity that produces the feeling of joy or that can be considered as 'having fun.'

3. Exercise: Any physical activity or any time spent mentally focusing on physical activities (especially for those temporarily unable to exercise).

4. Social support: The time you spend with family and friends, or times you spend with a psychotherapist, minister, church group or support group.

5. Nutrition: This category includes not just eating, but any efforts you make around food and nutrition -- preparing meals, taking vitamins, going to support groups that focus on diet, and reading or educating yourself about food and nutrition. Your beliefs about food and nutrition are vitally important.

6. Creative thinking: Meditation and imagery are included in this category, as are any specific forms of intentional relaxation. Reading, seminars, or courses related to these areas can also be included.

Step Two

On a sheet of paper, write down each category, then list the activities you do in each category.....Looking ahead 2 years, what would you most like to change?....."

Step Three

Rank the order of the categories as based on your desire to work on them, plus your experience with them. For example, if you spend most of your energy on social support but you would really like to spend more time on diet and nutrition, then [that] might be your first priority.....

Step Four

Now you will begin to set more specific goals. For your first goal, your number one priority, you will create a three month goal. I recommend to our patients that this goal be half of whatever they are currently doing in that category. [If you now 8 healthy meals a week, write 4 per week, because you are setting a lower limit, not upper]
.....After the three month goal, create a six month goal, then a nine month goal.
.....This method of setting goals also confronts fear-producing thoughts like, 'I've got to hurry up and make some changes or I am going to die.' Setting a gentle pace helps you to deal with that kind of desperation and fear in a healthy way.
.....Finally, be aware of a crucial category not listed here: rest. Pay attention to when you need to rest in any area.

Step Five

Now you are ready to write down goals for your second priority. The first goal that you will set is a six month goal. The second is your nine month goal. Stop there and go on to your third priority.

Step Six

The first step you will set for the activity you listed third is a nine month goal. This is the only goal you will write down at this time for this category."

Simonton recommends taking time for the first 3 categories, then taking several weeks to outline the rest of your goals.

The New Advertisements

2008-11-28T08:42:00.001-08:00

I have added advertising for revenue. With each click something wonderful happens!

Exercise for Meditation

2008-11-27T04:59:00.000-08:00

Simonton's book offers 5 different scripts for you to record your own self-hypnosis/meditation/visualizations. I won't write them here, but you can get them in The Healing Journey. There are 5: changing beliefs about cancer; developing trust; communicating with your inner wisdom; increasing your trust in yourself through working with pain; using meditation to decrease the fear of death.

This is a link that offers excellent meditation scripts. I have recorded a few on to the computer, which I have really personalized and adapted, as well as the ones from Simonton's book, and use them daily. I'm sticking to Simonton's plan of listening to the first of his series of meditations (about 7-15 minutes, depending on how you record it) for approximately 3-6 weeks. I haven't stuck to his plan of listening to it 3 or 4 times a day yet!

http://www.hypnosense.com/Scripts.htm

Exercise for Working With Imagery

2008-11-27T04:17:00.000-08:00

Just so you know, I'm doing these exercises as I go along, too.

(Simonton, p.68)

"A Plan For Changing Beliefs and Developing Greater Emotional Mastery

The most effective time to work on your beliefs is when you are experiencing emotional pain, because then the unhealthy beliefs will be easier to identify. It will be clear that your undesirable emotions are interfering with your life -- for example, if fear is interfering with your sleep. [Atavan is also EXCELLENT when I get out of control]
Here is a process for working on your beliefs.

Step #1 Identify the undesirable emotion you are feeling.

Step #2 Take a piece of paper and draw a line down the middle from top to bottom.

Step #3 In the left-hand column, list 5 or more beliefs producing the emotion.

Step #4 Eveluate each belief with Maultsby's questions. [See previous post]

Step #5 For the unhealthy beliefs, write out healthier, compatible beliefs in the right-hand
column.

Step #6 Keep the paper with you, and when you feel the undesirable emotion, pull out your list
and read it. (You may need to do this 2 to 20 times a day.)

Step #7 In addition, 3 times daily in a calm, relaxed state, using your breathing to help you
relax, imagine the healthier beliefs. Do this for at least 3 weeks, or until the new beliefs
become your new, unconscious attitudes.

Example: Fear

1. I'm going to die within 2 years and leave my daughter, regardless of what I or anyone else does.
/
1. I may or may not be alive in 2 years, and what I do makes a significant difference.
.....
4. I may be able to get well, but I would never be able to maintain my health and keep the cancer away.
/
4. I can get well, and I can maintain my health and keep the cancer away."

Simonton uses the term "healthy thinking" instead of positive thinking because it "has to do with the factual aspects of the belief....

Unhealthy thinking: I will be dead in 2 years regardless of what I do.

Positive thinking: I will be alive and healthy 2 years from now.

Healthy thinking: I may or may not be alive 2 years from now, and what I do makes a
significant difference.

.....The problem is that positive thinking doesn't necessarily align itself with the facts of nature or with real life. We are attempting to develop beliefs based on fact. Healthy thinking is aligned with reality."

(Simonton, p.71)

"Take a few moments to write down what you believe to be true about cancer in general, and about your particular diagnosis and your chosen treatment. Then use the 5 questions to evaluate your beliefs."

Then, Simonton gives 3 central beliefs about cancer that you can begin to work with:

"1. The body has a natural ability to heal itself and overcome cancer. When cancer cells and normal cells are put together in the laboratory, cancer cells have never been demonstrated to attack or destroy normal cells. Never! However, under the sam conditions, white blood cells routinely attack and destroy cancer cells. Cancer itself is composed of weak, confused, deformed cells.

2. Medical treatment can help your body to heal itself, making it your ally in getting well.

3. Cancer is feedback that indicates a need for change -- that you need to do more of the things that being you joy andulfillment, and fewer of the things that result in emotional pain; that you need to learn to thestresses of life in healthy ways. This message is one of love. Acting on it can help you to align yourself with your true nature and significantly influence your body's ability to eliminate the cancer."

Simonton says that changing your beliefs feels like driving you car on the left-hand side of the road, or for you Brits, Thais, East-Indians, perhaps a huge chunk of the world when you think about it, the right-hand side.

More from Simonton; Imagery and Inner Wisdom

2008-11-26T07:19:00.000-08:00

(p.66) "Your imagination has already played an important role in your illness. Reflect back upon your experience in receiving the diagnosis and the ensuing discussion regarding treatment and prognosis. What were your thoughts? What were your feelings? Were you primarily hopeful, imagining recovery? Or were you more fearful, dreading what was to come? The chances are that you experienced a combination of images, positive and negative, healthy and unhealthy. And all affect your body at the cellular level."

I had taken myself to the emergency department at Guelph General Hospital. Mike was at work and difficult to get hold of. I was admitted, some tests were done, a CT scan was taken on my enlarged abdomen, and then the Dr. returned saying "I'm really sorry but our radiologist feels it's cancer." He left, then the nurse came in and gave me a hug and said she was sorry. I said "You mean this is real?" And she said "This is real."
Then I was alone and tried to get through to Mike on my cell to ask him to come to the hospital after work. I didn't want to call my parents because they're older and I didn't want to worry them, and I didn't want to worry my sisters. We were supposed to pick up Mike's sister from the airport, and after Mike came to the hospital and I told him about our new situation Mike called his mom at her cottage to tell her what was happening and to say that he wouldn't be able to pick up his sister because this had just happened and his mother insisted that he had to pick up his sister. Mike ended up having his sister paged in the airport to take a Red Cab here and he never heard a further word until he went home later.
We met with an angel of a doctor who gave us great hope together, then I remained in the hospital and Mike went home.
Hopeful, fearful, dreading....

"These images are related to your beliefs about the nature of your illness and treatment in general, as well as related to your beliefs about what your personal experience and treatment will be. Remember, the beliefs that trouble us the most are often based on our interpretation of facts, not on the facts themselves. You can learn to change your frightening or unhealthy beliefs and replace them with healthy beliefs. This will help you to get well.
[C. M. Maultsby] developed a simple, 5 question test for evaluating the relative health value of any belief.
Ask yourself:

1. Does this belief help me protect my life and health?
2. Does it help me achieve my short- and long- term goals?
3. Does it help me to resolve or avoid my most undesirable conflicts (whether these conflicts
are within myself or with other people)?
4. Does it help me feel the way I want to feel?

And, when appropriate, also ask:

5. Is the belief based on facts?

If you can answer yes to 3 or more of these quesions, then the belief you hold is considered relatively healthy. If there are fewer or no yes answers, it is important you change your belief to a healthier one."

[beliefs create emotions, emotions are an important driving force in the immune system and other healing systems. Healthy images increase your sense of power, well-being, and peace of mind.

Anyone can comment

2008-11-26T07:16:00.000-08:00

I have changed comment access to "Anyone", not realizing before that there was an option. Feel free! You just have to sign up to google.

More From Simonton: Working with Imagery and Inner Wisdom

2008-11-26T07:03:00.000-08:00

Summary of Beginning Your Healing Work (p.63)

*Have you created a special time and place for doing your healing work each day?
*Have you involved your primary support person in your work?
*Who makes up your support team? What role would you like each person to play?
*Have you given some consideration to using a therapist to help you?
*If you are using a therapist, what do you think about the work you've done so far?
*If you have joined a support group, how do you feel before and after you attend the sessions?
*Have you identified the stresses/changes that have been a part of your life during the past eighteen months?
*How have you decided to handle questions from friends and family about your health?
*As you get better, how will you handle requests to visit other patients?
*What have you done to reward yourself for the hard work you've been doing to get well?

From O. Simonton and Reid Hensen, "The Healing Journey"

2008-11-24T10:45:00.000-08:00

Already I know that this is going to be a heavy book, but Simonton has been referenced in many things that I've read on healing and this is a great book thus far. Some of these exercises have previously been done.

A Forgiveness Exercise (p.51)
"Write down the name of anyone who seems to bring up any feelings of resentment in you. Next to that person's name, write why you resent him or her. Then, going down your list one name at a time, close your eyes and imagine something good happening to each person - something you know he or she would especially like. Do this as often as resentful feelings about each person come up."

Messages and benefits of illness (p.51)
".....Three very important areas for exploration are stress prior to cancer, secondary gain from the illness, and the message of the illness.
.....In our program, we begin by identifying stresses 6 to 18 months before the onset of cancer
.....Sarting with 18 months ago today, list any major changes that have taken place in your life
.....Whatever the change, the onset of the illness may be an indication that you are not able to deal effectively with the stress of that change. Other people may be able to, but you are not "other people". At this time in your life, certain changes may also be more difficult to handle than they have been previously
......Stress is never the only factor in the development of cancer, and it varies in importance from one person to another. But once the cancer is diagnosed, it is the factor that we can do the most about."

"Similarily, I ask patients to take a look at how cancer may be helping them deal with stress. What would you say are some of the secondary gains of your cancer?.....among other things, cancer can allow you to say no to yourself or to others in regard to things that you don't want to do. It can allow you to say yes to important parts of yourself that you have previously denied.
...With cancer, limits and rules become suspended; all of a sudden there may be great freedom to refocus your life in many different ways.
I think of this need to refocus as the great message of cancer. Over and over again I have seen cancer as the body's way of shocking a person into making changes."

1. Decide to get well. Make the decision to do whatever you need to do to get well, knowing that this will take you in the direction of joy and away from pain - both physical and mental pain.

2. Decide to open to who you are, and in doing so allow yourself to be directed by desire and joy and guided by the wisdom that resides within and around you.

3. Develop trust in yourself, trust in others, trust in God, and in all there is. You can nurture your relationship with yourself by acting with integrity; this will also nurture your relationship with others and your relationship with all there is.

4. Ask for help. Open yourself to accepting help. In doing so, watch for preconceptions about where and from whom you can expect help. Don't limit yourself to the information you have right now. Stay open to new sources.

5. Become more aware of your thoughts and feelings of guilt, blame, and failure. Taking responsibility for your health does not mean you are to blame for getting ill. It does not mean you are a failure if you don't improve as much as you think that you should.

6. At the same time, move in the direction of accepting more responsibility for your life, your health, your happiness. You are not the sole creator of your reality, but you are its co-creator. Experience how much you can affect your universe.

7. Feel and acknowledge your emotions, and learn to express them in ways that are appropriate for you and that maintain your personal integrity.

8. Actively participate in the healing process with aliveness, with positive expectancy, and with enthusiasm.

9. Develop the attitude of loving, alive curiosity.

10. Hold high thoughts. Think about things that are mentally, emotionally, and spiritually uplifting or comforting to you.

"These ten actions stimulate the healing process and bring a person closer to physical, mental, and spiritual balance....The exercises in the next chapter will help you get started."

To be continued.....

The author suggests looking for and working with a therapist. This I agree with and I have been connected with an amazing Guide.

The author also suggests suport groups.

An overview of the work ahead (p.57)
"The work we do with the patients at the Simonton Cancer Centre revolves around the basic premise that cancer is a message of love. If a significant part of the cause of cancer is trying to be who we are not, then healing cancer involves opening to who we are....
Here is an outline of the process:" See above 10 suggestions; I can't cut and paste this for some reason.

Chakras

2008-11-22T03:19:00.000-08:00

My assignment

2008-11-21T04:26:00.000-08:00

I have been connected with a wonderful therapist -- she works through music, journals, multimedia and talking, of course; I don't know if I mentioned her before, and she's not my hypnotherapist. I always go there thinking I'll be as together as glue and every time I just open up and a wind blows through my middle, which is like an open sweep.
This week one question I'm exploring is what is the meaning of grace to me. This can be a fantastic and huge question, so if you'ld like you can keep reading this entry, which will talk about religious beliefs moreso than cancer related issues, and which will also help me to answer the question for Monday or whenever I get to it with my new Guide.
From my etymology book -- Grace: favour; prayer of blessing or thanksgiving; pleasing quality; grateful
From my synonyms (and antonyms) book: elegance, poise, gracefulness, poise, beauty, loveliness, charm, refinement, polish, propriety, decorum (CLUMSINESS)
favour, goodwill, kindness, benevolence, goodness, generosity, compassion, clemency, mercy, pardon, forgiveness (UNKINDNESS)
blessing, benediction, thanksgiving, prayer
v. adorn, embellish, decorate, ornament, enhance, honour, favour, distinguish, dignify

I'm going to go with clemency here first because writing that word got to my throat (leniency, tenderness, kindness, humanity, mildness, tolerance, moderation, compassion).

All of those above words encompass the actions of family, nurses, doctors, and friends, extended family friends, adopted "love" family (sisters), and all of those who care about me. All of your expressions have touched me deeply and stay with me throughout this rally.

The next word that got me was mercy (pardon, forbearance, pity, magnamity, benevolence, grace).
I do believe that God hears my prayers, and receives my "words", cries, voice, meditations. I do believe that the beauty that sourrounds us is God's love, and I do believe that the life in everything is God. I believe that Namaste is me greeting the God in you. I believe that Shalom is a wish of peace upon you. I believe that God bless you is a blessing. And I believe that all of these are given to us as ways of regarding others and interacting, and that these are the roots of all yearnings.

Then humanity and mildness: I've experienced, throughout this struggle, that the love is greater than the harm. There are time of deep darkness and sadness, or I have felt sometimes that the medicine was launching a large attack on my whole body, but the love I've experienced and continue to grow in gives my mind something to pin to and I can reach for the height of the fulcrum. Sometimes this is a fight, and one mantra is, of course, "Atavan, Atavan, Atavan" when it seems too difficult. But sometimes it feels, when those moods and emotions overtake me, that I'm throwing a tantrum and need to remember Grace in all of it's above meanderings. So then I do remember and the welling in my throat quells a bit and I can coast more easily until some distraction takes over and I'm on top again.

Shopping and re-decorating/purging is a great distraction!

Also, not mentioned above, but super important to me, is the grace I receive through study and reading. Now also, with my human Guide/therapist/interpreter, I am receiving great wisdom and this grace is wonderous. So helpful. She regards everything in terms of relationship, or so I've come to understand. And when I express any feelings of separation from God she tells me that God for here IS, and her interaction is just as any other relationship. Through her talent and passion for music she interacts with the world, giving strength to some, an outlet to others, praise for her faith, leaving little gifts of kindness resonating behind and with her. Musicians hear and inhabit an entire other world that must be fantastic!

Now for the more religious part. I may have mentioned before that I have decided that the faith of my upbringing is too hard to shake. Though I have dabbled and read, and continue to borrow from other faiths anything that I feel as a practice brings me closer to God, I have decided that Christ lived. Whether Christ was God's only son, I believe that Christ's message was that he was completely resonating or attuned with his highest vibration, and that God's grace could flow through him, in action and wisdom (word). I believe that he resonated through his intuition/immediate insight, and that that is what informed his being, and I now believe that our intuition is the "kingdom of God" within.
So by living through his intuition, Christ naturally felt that the life animating Him is the same life animating you, and that this life is to be revered and loved and tended for. I now believe that we can only do this for eachother, revere and love and tend for eachother. Working with children really helped me to grow in this regard, but it is really with my illness, when I was/am truly on the receiving end of this is so many ways, that I felt it/feel it through and through. I understand it better. Also, I have had so much time to study now, and I feel that there is some sort of integration happening within. NONE OF THIS COULD HAVE HAPPENED WITHOUT OTHERS. Everyone matters so much.

This, I believe, is what God's love is all about (everyone including animals and plants, the elements, etc.). And this is the ultimate Grace: to have been given life and to be responsible for that life, lived according to our highest intuition, and therefore God's guidance (laws), which are there to tend for all. For me, Christ was the word of God because He LIVED the word of God, through complete access and adherence to this intuition. Therefore, he set an example, and the best example, for us to live by, believing (but for him, KNOWING) that we can all do it, too.

So that, so far, is what Grace means to me! Thanks for listening. xoxoxox

Yikes!!

2008-11-19T16:34:00.000-08:00

Well, today was my last chemo, not the second last as I had thought.
So, I'm feeling very glad that this round is done. And, I am very wary of it returning.
In early December I have a CT scan and a follow-up appointment.
To be honest, I've found it difficult to meditate alone and to keep up motivation. All of that alone is silly. Now I've got to take myself to meditate every day without complaint. I've got to surf that wave of emotional collapse and stay up top. Faith is faith. xox

2008-11-05T09:43:00.001-08:00

I'm tired of looking like a cleaning lady.

From Viktor Frankl's book, Man's Search for Meaning

2008-10-27T04:25:00.000-07:00

Viktor Frankl survived imprisonment in a concentration camp during the holocaust. He established a school of psychological thought termed Logotherapy from his experiences both before and during this time. This really is a stellar book.

"[Everything] can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms -- to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way." (p.66)

"It is a peculiarity of man that he can only live by looking to the future.....And this is his salvation in the most difficult moments of his existence, although he sometimes has to force his mind to the task." (p.73)

"[Any] attempt to restore a man's inner strength in the camp had first to succeed in showing him some future goal. [Nietzsche's words, 'He who has a why to live for can bear almost any how.']" (p.76)

"What we really needed was a fundamental change in our attitude toward life. We had to learn ourselves and, furthermore, we had to teach despairing men, that it did not really matter what we expected, but rather what life expected from us. We needed to stop asking about the meaning of life, and instead to think of ourselves as those who were being questioned by life -- daily and hourly. Our answer must consist, not in talk and meditation, but in right act and in right conduct. Life ultimately means taking the responsibility to find the right answer to its problems and to fulfill the tasks which it constantly sets for each individual. These tasks, and therefore the meaning of life, differ from man to man, and from moment to moment. Thus it is impossible to define the meaning of life in a general way." (p.76/77)

"When a man finds that it is his destiny to suffer, he will have to accept his suffering as his task; his single and unique task. He will have to acknowledge the fact that even in suffering he is unique and alone in the universe. No one can relieve him of his suffering or suffer in his place. His unique opportunity lies in the way in which he bears his burden." (p.77)

"But there is no need to be ashamed of tears, for tears bear witness that a man had the greatest of courage, the courage to suffer." (p.78)

"A man who becomes conscious of the responsibility he bears toward a human being who affectionately waits for him, or to an unfinished work, will never be able to throw away his life. He knows the 'why' for his existence, and will be able to bear almost any how." (p.80)

"[Mental] health is based on a certain degree of tension, the tension between what one has already achieved and what one still ought to accomplish, or the gap between what one is and what one should become. Such a tension is inherent in the human being and therefore is indispensable to mental well-being." (p.104)

"[Do] not be afraid to create a sound amount of tension through a reorientation toward the meaning of one's life." (p.105)

"In a word, each man is questioned by life, and he can only answer to life by answering for his own life; to life he can only respond by being responsible." (p.109)

"It is...up to the patient to decide whether he should interpret his life task as being responsible to society or to his own conscious." (p.110)

The meaning of suffering:

"When we are no longer able to change a situation -- just think of an incurable disease such as inoperable cancer -- we are challenged to change ourselves." (p.112)

"In some way, suffering ceases to be suffering at the moment it finds a meaning, such as the meaning of sacrifice." (p.113)

"If it were avoidable...the meaningful thing to do would be to remove its cause. To suffer unnecessarily is masochistic rather than heroic." (p.113)

Logotherapy:

"As Logotherapy teaches, there are three main avenues on which one arrives at meaning in life. The first is by creating a work or by doing a deed. The second is by experiencing something or encountering someone; in other words, meaning can be found not only in work but also in love.....Most important, however, is the third avenue to meaning in life: even the helpless victim of a hopeless situation, facing a fate he cannot change, may rise above himself, may grow beyond himself, and by so doing change himself. He may turn a personal tragedy into a triumph." (p.145/146)

"[The] priority stays with creatively changing the situation that causes us to suffer. But the superiority goes to 'know how to suffer' if need be." (p.148)

Frankl:

"I do not forget any good deed done to me, and I do not carry a grudge for a bad one." (p.162)

Transcend anything by making responsible choices.

"His approach to psychotherapy stressed the importance of helping people to reach new heights of personal meaning through self-transcendence: the application of positive effort, technique, acceptance of limitations, and wise decisions. His goal was to provoke people into realizing that they can and should exercise their capacity for choice to achieve their own goals." (p.164)

"The world is in a bad state, but everything will become worse unless each of us does his best." (p.164)

"The meaning of [Frankl's] life was to help others find the meaning of theirs." (p.165)

Am I responsible for creating my illness? A link to one perspective and ACIM referenced.

2008-10-27T04:22:00.000-07:00

http://www.circleofa.org/articles/AreWeResponsible.php

Reflections following some exercises from Kaur's book

2008-10-09T04:13:00.000-07:00

This comes from part of the Imagine Your Death exercise. These "Letting go of Anger" exercises are killer. Actually it comes from yesterday, but I want to mention that after working for some abusive employers - abuse of power, obvious mental illness, whatever - we need something like Al Anon for families where it teaches you that it is not your fault your parent was an alcoholic. That's where I'm placing my anger in the 3 instances I'm thinking of - it's not my fault - especially one instance where I was essentially "shunned" by my employer and her assistant, for a good 8 months. Communication through notes, generally making them very ugly in my eyes. Really just the 3 of us in captured in 1's creation. Every day that I drove into work, I prayed for those women's lives to be blessed, and I prayed to be able to forgive them. Luckily, after their hideousnesses, I found myself with the most kind employers you could imagine. Truly a miracle. And even with that, even knowing that the former employer was and is a narcissistic control freak with a real mental illness, I really find it hard to let go of my anger 2 years later. ACIM would say this is my ego feeling elated to be justified in not releasing them to forgiveness. I say that my ego is feeling justified but the rest of me knows I need to forgive and let go. The other 2 instances, I understand that one former employer is just made the way she is, and doesn't care, while the other one made an attempt to patch the damage, real true damage, she had caused me. These last 2 I release. I even have moments where I release the shunner. But then I reel her back in with my thoughts. And I feed her to sharks.

Just Pictures from Bruce Trail and Tobermory - Lots of Them!!!

2008-10-02T04:39:00.000-07:00

Chichimaun a.m. Chichimaum p.m.

Cyprus Lake trail Grotto, Grotto

Georgian Bay, between Grotto and Boulder Beach

Boulder Beach

Grotto, Grotto

Grotto, Grotto

Beautiful and Beautiful

Grotto overpass, Big Tub Harbour Tobermory

CT Scan results

2008-10-02T04:03:00.001-07:00

Top: July 30th, 2008; Bottom: Sept.23rd, 2008

This view is taken between my leg bones or top of pelvis, whichever the case may be (most likely pelvis). On the top picture there is a large shadowy mass beginning about 1/2 cm (on screen) above the lighter shadowy mass above the spine (this belongs there), which extends up about 3 cm and across 3 cm between the bones. Above that, there is a mass that is marked at approx. real zise 7 x 5 cm.

On the bottom picture, there is now a wisp where the 7 x 5 mass was, and a very small bit of mass above the spine area.

I really have no words about this at this time, other than all the best words that there are for this and those involved. Just unbelievable. Look at that smooth CT scan.

The glow-in-the-dark cherries are gone from their area (if you click on August postings on the right and find August 1st, you can see the old CT scans); the liver and spleen are almost completely clean; all my levels (blood, etc., are balanced and good/normalized).

I really don't have words, only thanks and thoughts of thanks and tears of thanks caught in my throat and prayers of thanks running through my mind, so I'm posting pictures of our trip, recommended for healing by the way, to Tobermory. Enjoy and love love love!!!!

Finding Joy and Purpose Exercises from "A Call To Women" [and also Men]

2008-09-29T04:57:00.000-07:00

Quoted directly from pages 277 and 278 of A Call To Women.

Finding Lasting Joy and Purpose Exercise

1. The first step in finding joy and purpose is to acknowledge that you have a spiritual self. People have called this the soul, inner guide, inner voice, Holy Spirit, higher self, etc......It is the God within linked to the God everywhere.....Even though you may not experience this aspect of yourself often, it is important to acknowledge its presence as a starting point. Close your eyes and take a minute now to link with your spiritual self.

2. The second step is to create a relationship with your spiritual self. [Just as] you create relationships with others through communcation and time spent together, you can create a relationship between the mind and the soul......The mind must relate to the soul, be receptive to it. There are many forms that this can take, but essentially it is a daily spiritual practice. It is a regular setting aside of time to acknowledge and be with your spiritual self, a time of inner listening.....As you acknowledge the soul's presence through a spiritual practice, you more easily recognize its voice and what it (or God) wants from you in the world.

3.The third stepp is to pay attention and actively listen to the soul's calling. This is often synonymous with listening to God's will. It is the voice of intuition that gently urges you to see situations clearly and to act in certain ways. It opens you up to a state of 'being' in the fullness of the moment, experiencing love within the transitory nature of life, and feeling the interconnectedness of everything. It asks you to act in the world, to do what you are most suited for, and to contribute to the improvement of the planet and the human condition......You can answer the soul's calling by asking yourself the following questions:
(All of the questions, and some others, are from the Meaning Mandala exercise, which [for me] is on-going)

Who am I?
What did I come here to do?
What is my passion?
What is the potential in me that yearns for fruition?
What did I come here to learn?
What did I come here to heal?
Who did I come here to love?
What did I come here to express?
What did I come here to teach?
What causes did I come here to serve?
Who did I come here to be?
What brings me the greatest joy?
What can I do that reflects my beliefs and values?

4. The fourth step is to agree to what is being asked of you. This is often painful as the ego allows the soul to be in the driver's seat.....Like a snake shedding its skin, you are asked to release old belief systems that limit your growth and expanding identity.....Faith must also be your companion through this process -- faith in yourself, faith in a higher power or God.

[This one. This one is the one that is the defense against doubt and terror. For me now, faith must be and is a constant and conscious companion. When even a little teeny crack of doubt is opened, the force of emotion and confusion is projective, impairing, tremendous and forlorn. This is like the strain Atlas must feel holding up the Earth.]

5. The fifth step is to obey the guidance given to you from within, to act on the stirrings of the soul moment by moment, leap by leap.....It may be terrifying to obey the inner voice.....You need consistency, commitment, and courage to carry it out.

6. The sixth step is to realize what must die or be transformed in your life for the soul to be affirmed. What do you need to say 'No' to in order to live a purposeful life that is in harmony with who you really are? If you are going to embrace a new way of living, then you must let go of parts of your old life that drain your energy, that reinforce negativity, or that no longer serve you.....You can also change your life through attitudinal shifts. You can say 'no' to that part of you that reacts as a victim or is submissive, overly dependent, or concerned with what others think. You can transform your anger into love and forgiveness.

7. The last step is to be fully present in your activity, acknowledging the unseen hands that help you and the opportunities and soul responsibilities that come your way at appropriate times. You can walk with an attitude of gratitude through life and welcome the joys and hardships of each day. You can actively accept what comes your way and meet it head on. As you are fully present, you become more aware of your relationship and interconnectedness to others.....You can develop the ability to express gratitude for all that has been given to you, no matter how difficult.

[The above is definitely not the full text in the steps.]

There are many exercises that follow these steps, but I'm not there yet. There is a lot to think about for the above 7 steps, and to really do.

Trampoline!!!!

2008-09-29T04:33:00.000-07:00

The trampoline is excellent! I returned a folding one to Canadian Tire because I found it to be not so good, and found a great 38 inch surface one at Wal-Mart (on sale now!!!). Tough assembly but when it's done --voila! Doing "moves" on the trampoline is great for the lymph system and the thymus gland which makes all the killer t-cells and other blood cells. I'm calling it Body Drumming because coordinating breathing and arm and leg movements is a bit like trying to get into and keep up a drum beat. If you've ever seen me dance you would know that I have a bit of difficulty in this area. Plus, if you have neuropathy like I have there is less impact on the feet and calves, knees, and anywhere else. You could just flail your arms about or follow the exercises from the book A Call To Women. If you are a crazy jogger you could jog on the trampoline in the winter or when your ankles and knees get ruined from the crazy jogging impact. All for $33.00!!!

More from A Call To Women by Sat Dharan Kaur, ND

2008-09-28T05:00:00.000-07:00

I'm still working on the Mandala exercise (the making of the Mandala), because I've decided to embroider it, which is slow going because it's not really a forte of mine, but it's probably good exercise for my hands. Or else it's crippling them, I do not know.
While flipping through the book mentioned above I back tracked through chapter 10 (p.273-290) and I've started the exercises or am preparing to do them (exercise trampoline - shopping trip).

"Living With Joy and Purpose

You did not cause your disease, nor are you responsible for curing it. If you have breast cancer [or anything else], do not blame yourself. There are many causative factors that place all women [and men] at risk. However, if you orient your living to finding meaning, purpose, and joy, your immune system will respond positively to these cues and will help to protect you from breast cancer [and other illnesses] or to recover from it more quickly.' (p.274-5)

"Your Unique Way of Being in the World

".....When we recover our hope for living a satisfying and meaningful life, we strengthen our defenses against cancer [and illness] as our body and mind respond to our spiritual commitment to live. By finding our own unique and joyous way of being in the world, breast cancer [and other illnesses] will be less likely to find us."(p.275)

"Searching for meaning and purpose

"In his book Man's Search for Meaning, Viktor Frankl writes about the ways in which we we derive meaning from life. For our well-being what we expect from life is not as important as how we respond to life's expectations of us, he suggests.....Frankl called his method of responding to the world 'logotherapy' and wrote that we could all discover the meaning in
life in three different ways."(p.275)

Meaning Through Doing

The first way to find meaning is through creating a work or doing a deed. This includes meaningful work or a career, any artistic expression or something we make with our hands, as well as the day-to day daily actions of our lives...

Meaning Through Experience

The second way to gather meaning from life is from experiencing something or encountering someone. We may experience goodness, truth, beauty, nature, or culture. We can consciously deepen our experience of these by seeking out people or places with deep connections to us, by particiating in events or occasions that are moving for us.

Goodness-spend time with good people, retreats, volunteer organizations healing centres, inspirational books (biographies) etc..
Truth- studying the works of spiritual giants, meditation, contemplation, emotional honesty in our interactions.
Beauty-when we surround ourselves with beauty, we feed ourselves meaning. See beauty where you didn't see it before.
Nature-Nature is there for us to experience meaning. Take a trip, walk, plant, go to the beach. How can you bring more of those experiences into your life?
Culture-music, art, dance, theatre -- each of these has the potential to deepen our connection to our spirital natures.

Love-Of all interactions, it is loving encounters that bring us the most meaning. When we love another, we help them to actualize their potential, and when we are loved, we more easily realize more of our own potential.

Meaning Through Our Attitude Towards Suffering

The third way we can experience meaning, according to Frankl, is by 'the attitude we take towards unavoidable suffering. When we suffer, we are challenged to change ourselves, and if the suffering is unavoidable, we can triumph in the way we bear it provided that we find meaning in it.' Suffering can be the hero's path, although it challenges us physically, emotionally, and spiritually. If suffering is avoidable, then we should remove its cause, whether it be physical, psychological, or political. If the suffering is unavoidable, then, through our journey into the dark reaches of the soul, we can sometimes pass to the other side having gained in compassion, acceptance, tolerance, and wisdom.....Once we have felt pain, we sense others' pain. We are then more able to extend our hearts and minds in compassionate service."(p.276-7)

Serene has taken my spot on the computer chair, so I will continue this later with the Finding Joy and Purpose Exercise.

One year

2008-09-23T04:17:00.001-07:00

One year later.... I didn't know if I would be alive. I hadn't realized how much love drives things. There are so many small things to notice: acorn tops, animal calls, etc.. Feeling good is feeling great. Family is wonderful.
CT scan today. Hopefully there is good news -- it feels like it -- and it is one whole year later!!!!!

16 pieces

2008-09-17T06:12:00.001-07:00

New psychological work

2008-09-17T04:34:00.000-07:00

I went to the bookstore looking for something non-cancer related to read, and of course found a cancer related book, My God I Thought You'd Died: One Man's Personal Triumph Over Cancer, by Claude Dosdall and Joanne Broatch.

I started to read that, when I received via mail A Call to Women: The Healthy Breast Program and Workbook, by Sat Dharan Kaur, ND.. While I don't have breast cancer, this was recommended by my hypnotherapist for the excellent info, diet tips, and workbook exercises, not to mention kundalini and other exercises.

So last night I began with one exercise the author calls a Meaning Mandala.:

"It will help you to define where you derive meaning from your life and propel you to manifest that meaning. It will remind you of your soul's purpose here and how to live that purpose. It will help to integrate the divergent directions in your life and bring you stability when you lose your compass or your anchor. As you relate to your meaning mandala, you will mobilize your body's ability to heal."(p.283)

I will try to find and post a picture of a basic mandala...well, one's not so basic, but essentially the format, to be drawn on a nice big big piece of paper, is small circle in the middle, large square framing next large sized circle, all framed by a larger circle. 3 circles, one square

(above line drawing- picture a circle in the middle, a circle just inside the large"ish" square, and lose the giant outer square, but keep the giant framing circle).

(above coloured drawing - blue outer circle, brown square, brown circle, blue innermost circle)

Intersect these with lines like cutting a pie into 16 pieces. Way easier than it sounds. This is a thoroughly enjoyable process to create once you have all the fixin's.

Great verbatim description from annieappleseedproject.org/meaningmandala.html

Meaning Mandala - finding your bliss, path, passion

On a large 24"x36" or bigger poster-sized paper, draw a circle and divide into 16 segments; a square within the circle, points touching the circle; a smaller circle inside the square touching the lines of the square at the central points; and a small circle in the center. This is your basic mandala.

Around the outer circle, write one word for each of the 16 segments: see, hear, feel, passion, forgive, create, do, be, joy, experience, learn, love, heal, express, talents, cause.

Write the 16 questions in a square or circle around that:

What did I come here to heal?

What did I come here to express?

What talents have I come to develop?

What causes have I come to serve?

What did I come here to see?

What did I come here to do?

Who did I come here to be?

What brings me joy?

What did I come here to experience?

What did I come here to learn?

Who did I come here to love?

Who did I come here to forgive?

What did I come here to create?

What did I come here to hear?

What did I come here to feel?

Where is my passion?

In the center of the little circle, write "I am Here".

At the end of the spaces between two radiating lines at the outer edge of the largest circle, write words or phrases that answer the questions around the diagram. [express, cause, see, hear, feel, forgive, create, etc.]

Between the spokes list the progression of actions or experiences that would enhance or develop the meaning at the outer edge of the circle.These might include qualities to develop within yourself, tasks to do, other people to involve, service, devotion, meditation, letting go, bodywork, dancing, growing a garden, goals short and long term etc., or words and phrases that evoke the meaning for you.

Place the mandala where you can focus on it, perhaps during your rebounding exercises. Think about it. Be aware. Don't be afraid to change it as you change.

Gradually fill in the parts, starting from the center, with contrasting colours or collages or whatever you choose, as you begin to actualize the meaning and purpose of your life.For every step you take towards fullfillment of experience, meaning, purpose, joy, forgiveness, healing... Draw or put pictures around the outside that represent those fulfillments for yourself."

Your body needs to know that you are serious about living for it to co-operate whole-heartedly with you in healing."Found in the book, A Call to Women, Sat Dharam Kaur ND, pages 283-5. Thanks to Aliss T.

For someone who is a visual learner this is a great way to look at different psychological aspects of healing. I have taken this slow as there is real thought that goes into filling out each area. I'm using art supplies and the dining room table, a candleabra and incense, background music, etc.. I'm really letting it get into my mind and my way of thinking, sort of like a work of art in progress. I can feel something shifting or moving inside.

Went to the Dr. and the Dr. said....

2008-09-11T05:28:00.000-07:00

"I can barely find this.. I think this tumor had disappeared. I think this is just scar tissue from the operation." YAY! "And this area that was hard to push on has really softened." Breathing out!!!
That was a great Dr.'s appointment. Cat scan on the 23rd, the 3 more rounds of chemo, etc..
(Daily) meditation with hypnotherapist CD, Hospice meditation and Reiki (which I love) and touch therapy. Prayer and Pat's prayer inspirarion, receiced prayers. Practice (at times) of A Course in Miracles and Tolle. This is what I believe has helped.
Many would say it's just the chemo, and this chemo does rock.
In the end though, I agree with me! And my healthier body agrees with all of it.
xoxox

Update on Edmund and Serene

2008-09-09T07:05:00.001-07:00

Edmund is under a bit of catnip.

From a Sunday outing

2008-09-09T06:55:00.000-07:00

Leopard frog

Baby Heron

Crazy Monarch Caterpillar (?)

Strange sea monster from Marden Pond

Perspective

2008-09-01T19:16:00.000-07:00

I have read a book that I borrowed from the hospice: Making Miracles Happen by Gregory White Smith and Steven Naifeh. Gregory Smith has brain cancer and has been fighting it for ten years. But the point I want to make is this: that reading books written by cancer "people" is a far different experience for me than reading ACIM or Eckhart Tolle. They write things that seem like nothing but hit so hard, like being fascinated by babies or putting things in plain perspective.

"'The hardest pill to swallow...is the realization that from the moment of the accident or illness or operation occurs, your life will never be the same. Everybody assumes that they're going back to the way they were. They're going to be in the same job, they're going to have the same physical capabilities. Their work, their spouse, their family, their friends, everything is always going to be the same. When, in fact, it never will be the same after.'"(MMH, p.224)

This weekend I knew was going to be beautiful, and making the decision to stay home rather than going to the cottage caused me much anguish because will I be there next year? Which books should I take the time to read? etc., etc..
Making decisions is becoming difficult for that "reasoning". Not only life situations change, but I can't help but to think in extremes. While remaining positive. And trying to function normally, greet the neighbours, and make a miracle happen.
The hopice is also starting a group in October, where you take a lunch and talk, but I'm undecided if that is for me. I have heard that it is really a good thing to do and will extend your life, and if anyone has attended such a group for illness, please let me know your opinions on it and if you feel it helped you. I suppose I'm committing to the hospice program of a positive meditation/visualization then touch therapy which connects me with others who may have any illness and who want to be well. They all seem very kind and I can almost feel their wings cover me protectively.
Unfortunately I haven't been using the Tibetan bowl very much, but Mike is fascinated by it and loves to make a deep vibration come from the bowl and try it on different surfaces, even though I've told him he holds the pestle wrong and his quests are impossible; he continues and proves me wrong, thank God, places the bowl on my abdomen, and makes it sing a low vibration which I really do feel work its way through me and heal along the way.
I absolutely love the CD that my hypnotherapist made me because it puts me into a deep deep state of "altered" relaxation and it seems to do it to me every time I listen. I would say that this is one of the best therapies I've pursued, with the right therapist, and I absolutely recommend it.
Serene has stepped on some button which has altered the screen completely so I will post this now.

Quick Link

2008-08-26T06:04:00.000-07:00

This link is from my friend Cindy.
http://www.yourlifestylecenter.com/articles/a_cry/a_cry_for_cooperation.html
It is a good article about managing/coping with the disease, in the author's case: breast cancer.
Just a reminder for everyone out there to get extended health/ sudden illness/ critical illness insurance if you do not have it, and insurance on any loans you may have. May you never need to use it! xox

Amazing

2008-08-22T08:42:00.000-07:00

This new hypnotherapist was amazing! I feel very positive and rejeuvinated by our session. For anyone out there in need of positive reinforcement, pumping up or anything, I recommend this therapy, but be sure to find the right therapist. Mine offered a free 1/2 hr. consultation (the dissociation check - luckily she asked no questions about cream) and also a CD of our actual session. Previously I went to a therapist who offered 1 + 1/2 hr. initial session + fee for extra 1/2 hr., no record of session but a CD for meditation made after the session. I guess they do what they have to but my new one ROCKS!!!!! If anyone would like her name -- she's in Guelph -- just let me know in the comments section. Also, I have adjusted to my hair loss better than anticipated. I haven't shaved it down this time so underneath the bandana I look like the giant tweety bird after his jeckyl and hyde meds if you know what I mean.
Something new this week too: I've been going to the beautiful Our Lady of Lourdes or Church of Our Lady to pray and sit quietly. This is calming and really there's such a sense of peace in that church and perspective because it's so huge that it's difficult to feel alone if you're feeling blue like me yesterday, or it's a great place to go if you want to share good energy like I did today.
xox

Me, me, me.....

2008-08-21T04:41:00.000-07:00

Got passport photos 2 days ago, Dr.'s appt. yesterday: no options but chemo now (no operation, stem cell, etc.) Many tumors in abdomen, some the size of oranges. radiation would start below my boobs and down to my pubic bone and would fry my organs and small colon. Told Dr. I didn't want a prognosis and he said that they are always difficult to determine in any case.
Bandana is ON the head, folks, and today I will hide out in the back yard, cut the grass, paint the cold frame, alternately rage and pray and cry like a baby. This chemo has seemed to decrease the size of some tumors. All come from the same Space Cancer cells. We can still plan a week long get away to a tropical paradise instead of Germany, or wherever, for "treatments" now. Thus far. This may change. Getting wills ready, but this has been in the works for a while and my whole family has been getting theirs done since no one had any.
I do need to know from girlfriends, if you're reading this site, if I have any more friends withhout knuckles or who for some crazy reason refuse to wear jewellery; what type you do wear; and you must know you're crazy if you don't. But beautiful.
I am almost done 3 Cups of Tea (so, so, so good), almost done ACIM, and have put Eckhart Tolle down for a bit because I need to concentrate better on his writing when I read. My concentration needs help; I went to nuke my coffee yesterday and found the 10% cream had been in the in the microwave over day/night. I promptly blamed Mike for putting it there, and ultimately had to come to the sad realization that it was me and chemo brain.
Time to wake the neighbours with the lawnmower. Quick Honourable mention for a neighbour around the block: There are BEES coming to our garden, thanks to his innovation at raising bees in his backyard! Also, the NEIGHBOUHOOD GARDEN is beautiful right now, as it has been through all of its stages, but it's particularily tall now.
Also, I have put up a small sign on our boulevard directing people where to step when they park there, so that they don't end up sticking their walker in a 2 foot mound of dirt and plants. So far, and this has been almost a week now, not one person has pulled the car forward enough to let the poor passenger out onto stepping stones far away from the mucky hazard. Maybe they think the sign says don't step here?
Days: 6, Parkers: 0. I will keep an on-going score card. And I'm usually home, checking,

Hope this doesn't happen to you...

2008-08-19T03:56:00.000-07:00

Here goes my hair again. I was really flipping out about it but Mike calmed me down. I feel I'm forcing the calm a bit but I still have actually quite a bit of hair. It will be when I have to put the bandana on again that I'll be at the breaking point. I'll get a passport photo "just in case" while I still have some hair.
Took a dissociation test for my new hypnotherapist and hypnotherapy sessions. Some of the questions were quite strange:
Have you ever been dressed in the morning and have no recollection of how you got dressed?
Have you ever been driving somewhere and have no recollection of how you got there?
Do you spend time in a place in your imagination?
What percentage of time do you spend in your imagined place?
(I don't know about you, but we have a small Jasmine plant that's blooming right now, and every time I smell the blooms I am taken right back to our apartment/room in Bangkok, and I would gladly spend 60% of my time thinking about that in 10 minutes.)
The joy meter is fighting a real balance to stay active in my perspective i.e. looking at the pretty shed that I've just painted, knowing that the front of the house where I've painted looks just as good, seeing a hummingbird in the back yard and being posed some interesting questions by a "new" person all because I can walk around and drive and communicate and have stamina and think and grow vs. losing my hair again.
Do you hear voices?
What percentage of the time are you suicidal?
Do you ever find something in your house which was a purchase you have no recollection of making?
Do you ever stand beside yourself and look at yourself and not know who you are?
Have you ever looked at yourself in the mirror and not known who you were?
Have you ever been somewhere and not known how you got there?
Do you talk to yourself?
What percentage of the time do you talk to yourself?

Three Cups Of Tea

2008-08-18T08:40:00.000-07:00

This book is wonderful, inspirational, and full of things that are meant to be. This provides a great break from worry and intense focus and denial and responsibility and all of those things. xox

The Hospice

2008-08-14T05:50:00.000-07:00

I have been waking up for the last 3 days with my first thought being the lyrics and music of an Under the Pink Tori Amos song "...there's something believing, instead of just leaving..." which has been a great way to wake up and I hope that it continues. I went to the hospice to try their Wednesday relaxation program, and it really was great. I'll continue to go if I can. Unfortunately there were no men there, which would provide a different balance than I've experienced through all of this. Or, maybe for them, it's fortunate! I do not know.
The Tibetan singing bowl meditations have been great, too, and so far they seem to last about 10 minutes. I don't know if they'll get longer but I'll let you know. I lost my ACIM, ordered another one, and found my copy again. I've taken a loooong break from it and I'm almost done. That's new behaviour. I do have a new book, unrelated to healing, but still biographical , called Three Cups of Tea: One Man's Mission to Promote Peace...One School at a Time, by Greg Mortenson and David Oliver Relin. My friend Shawna recommended it to me and it's about a climber (K2 in this book) who doesn't make it to the summit, saves another climber, and then his life just changes course dramatially. I love climbing books, love biographies, and need to hear about someone's simple but extraordinary life right now, so this is what I'm reading. As well I love everyone's comments, which I appreciate so much, and thank you, because like the books or little coincidences like songs or birds, they're always thought provoking or welcomed! I also entered Serene in the Humane Society calendar contest; Mike and I always said she would win a cat show, so at 15 years old, in she goes. Miss July!

wills, battles of, need for, etc., death

2008-08-11T15:15:00.000-07:00

Now that I'm thinking again of death, because of the nature of this collection of tumors, as well as their location, I'm going to write about what's hurting. I'm not ready to go. I have so many that I love here. The last time I was really thinking of Death was before Christmas, when everything was really close to it, it seemed. So many hospital stays and such rapid weakness.
Again, I find myself at the same place, thinking that I really truly finally decided that I had it together, at least on the outside, at least some security - job, finances, house, control. Then swish goes the carpet. Then swish again. I just do not want to die now. I do not. I love those I love so deeply now. Really most things do not bother me. I'm trying to forgive as I go along, and I'm really only stuck on one or two people.
I do realize that the physical pain is different this time. The deep tumors (3) I'm not aware of; the smaller ones are obvious. I don't want to die this year. I want to die when I'm 80 or older, not now. I think that I'm working so hard on creating a miracle then I forget to pray for a few days.
I don't feel smart enough for this.
All the beauty there is.
So much to learn and appreciate and see.
All the kindness.
I like what Mike and I have created together.
I really like who Mike is.
I really love Mike.
I really love our cats.
I love our families.
I love my friends.
I like my neighbours.
I love my town.
I love my little wrinkled face and my fluffy hair
and the way that I love God.
I really like giving gifts, now
and watching the things that I say.
I pay greater attention to detail for 5 seconds
then I forget.
I need waaaaaaay more time.
I remember Pat's wisdom and fashion my healing meditations/visualizations after hers, forgetting some parts sometimes.
Death to me is just a great big no-go.
These are the things that hurt. There are others I know who are hurting and my thoughts and prayers are with you. But truly a lot of my thoughts and prayers are with me, and thanking those who have prayed for me or thought of me.
My Dr. hasn't really discussed my tumors with me, because I think the situation is pretty bad.
It doesn't feel like it's lookin' good. Kind of like having a fabulous tan, looking great, eating well, and sinking in quick sand.
Love really is the thing, you know. It has been, all along. It's awful how we misplace it or ignore it or mistreat it or hoard it. Hide from it.
So with sheer determination and will power, I plan to live this year, and next year, take whatever chemo they give me, tests, etc., etc..
I hopefully will not fall into the shadow of depression and sorrow, but will trust to my developing religious leanings.
With imagined centrifugal force, I will not listen to my ego but rather the I behind the I. Instead of being blue I will stick like glue to life.
I will practice ACIM.
My Tibetan singing bowl and meditation I will do every day.
I will not do sit ups. yick.
With sheer determination and will power and God's love, my goal is to live. My faith must grow to meet the goal.

Done and done

2008-08-10T16:33:00.000-07:00

Well, my kick-ass urologist Dr. internalized 2 stents, no problems, thus fixing part of me and increasing my quality of life. Everyone there was great, and I was out the whole time. Supurb!

Pre-op

2008-08-07T05:25:00.000-07:00

Today I head to Hamilton Hospital for pre-op tests, such as x-ray and ultrasound, to see if the nephrostomy tube has slipped, and I suppose to deal with fluid build up. I'm trying to attune my abdomen to my healing mind which is a relaxing pursuit, and I'm trying to keep fear at bay which feels like practicing denial more than anything else. My feet this past weekend were blown up like beaver tails, but they've shrunk now, and they're tingly. I still have about 2 inches of hair, which I adore, but soon it's back to the bandanas and my pirate ways. I went under the water at the cottage in homage to the Dr.s who internalized the nephrostomy tube so that I could do just that.

For Friends

2008-08-02T08:46:00.000-07:00

For my friends who are upset and are afraid that I don't want to talk about these new developments, fear not, I will talk to you about these new developments if you want to.
Love straight to You from Me xoxoxox

Cold Frame and Wildlife

2008-08-02T04:25:00.000-07:00

2008-08-01T16:49:00.000-07:00

I feel, today, this is worse than I thought.
Most people try to do their best.
Things are probably better than I think because of who my Dr.s are.
I have no deep and telling thoughts at this time.
And, of course, what the fuck is this?

Cold Frame-harder to build this way !!!

2008-08-01T16:45:00.001-07:00

Today - Abdomen shots - Ascites (fluid) gathered at top/side in grey and 1.5 litres drained. Shiny whitespots are cancerous shiny white spots

2008-08-01T16:38:00.000-07:00

Same tumor gone, small ones on liver and spleen growing bigger

2008-08-01T16:35:00.000-07:00

First tumors leaving - see shadow on spinal column

2008-08-01T16:33:00.001-07:00

Not too many words at this point

2008-08-01T16:23:00.000-07:00

First, here's our tattoos.

Me: Oops, wrong pix

I'll try again. But here's some hair that the new meds will be clearing away in the next 3 weeks so I will be bald again. My Dr. is doing his best to fight what I have, and you will see that shortly.

Be your own advocate

2008-07-31T06:25:00.000-07:00

I had a few glitches happen yesterday after (actually before) the CT scan, whch took until 8:00 to clear up, thanks to my excellent Dr. who called me personally. In any case, the tumors have grown and there's some other stuff going on related to the nephrostomy tube and urine being retained as well as possile ascites on my upper abdomen. I seem to have a calcified node below my navel that Mike and I found. The appointment has been moved from next Wednesday to this Friday, and we'll talk abut new chemo options. It could be bye bye hair again so I'll take some pictures of what I've got.
All of which amounts to: major emotional break down. At least I had a few nights to cuddle up against my mom. Mike's good too. Today I am much more calm beause I woke up well and I have my tatoo appointment at 4:00 and I can't wait.

A Change is as Good as a Rest

2008-07-29T11:43:00.000-07:00

Just came back from the most beautiful place on Earth - my cottage - feeling, like with a sunrise, I "stole a moment of paradise" as some wise Sikh (I don't remember who) said.
Anyway, my abdomen is still quite distended, although tender, not fluidy (I hope). CT scan tomorrow, tattoo Thursday, maybe more cottage Thursday night for a few days. I'm so scared these days, but thank God for Atavan!

ACIM - Illustrated theory. Pictures!!!

2008-07-26T00:35:00.000-07:00

http://www.acimfind.info/acim_notes/archives/category/acim-teaching/

Excerpts from an Ekhart Tolle interview

2008-07-26T00:10:00.000-07:00

Interview at Omega Institute / Fall 2003
Interview By: Josh Max

JM: I was also struck by your interpretation of the cross as a symbol of "thy will be done".
ET: It's a strange dualistic symbol. Basically, it's a torture instrument. To me, Jesus stands for humanity. So this man is nailed to the torture instrument, totally helpless, in deep suffering. At that point comes total surrender to what is. "Not my will, but thy will be done." At that point, the symbolic significance of the cross is changed from being a torture instrument to a symbol of the divine.
So what it points to is that the very thing that seems to stand in the way of realizing who you are. The very suffering that comes with being here in this physical realm---because eventually some form of suffering comes to everybody---can become an opening into that which we call the divine.
If you're lucky, disaster comes before the physical form is lost and the psychological form dissolves. This sometimes happens through extreme suffering, when people lose everything, or they find out they don't have much more time to live. So they are faced with extreme disaster which cannot be explained away.

[Quick aside here: This is where I find myself]

Philosophies collapse in the face of extreme disaster. Before, they might have had philosophy or religious beliefs, but when quite a few people face death of a loved one or their child or spouse, suddenly they question their beliefs. "This wasn't supposed to happen to me, I had a business arrangement with God. I wasn't supposed to suffer."
The mind, the "me", collapses. Explanations fade. So you're faced with disaster you cannot explain that seems to deny the existence of something deeper. The cross seems to stand between you and the transcendental dimension to love. But, strangely, that very cross is the opening also.
Somebody once put it this way: "What stands in the way is the way." And you realize that when you no longer internally resist the form that this moment takes. I call it the "is-ness" of this moment.
....

JM: I was also struck by your interpretation of the cross as a symbol of "thy will be done".
ET: It's a strange dualistic symbol. Basically, it's a torture instrument. To me, Jesus stands for humanity. So this man is nailed to the torture instrument, totally helpless, in deep suffering. At that point comes total surrender to what is. "Not my will, but thy will be done." At that point, the symbolic significance of the cross is changed from being a torture instrument to a symbol of the divine. So what it points to is that the very thing that seems to stand in the way of realizing who you are.
The very suffering that comes with being here in this physical realm---because eventually some form of suffering comes to everybody---can become an opening into that which we call the divine. If you're lucky, disaster comes before the physical form is lost and the psychological form dissolves. This sometimes happens through extreme suffering, when people lose everything, or they find out they don't have much more time to live. So they are faced with extreme disaster which cannot be explained away.
Philosophies collapse in the face of extreme disaster. Before, they might have had philosophy or religious beliefs, but when quite a few people face death of a loved one or their child or spouse, suddenly they question their beliefs. "This wasn't supposed to happen to me, I had a business arrangement with God. I wasn't supposed to suffer." The mind, the "me", collapses. Explanations fade. So you're faced with disaster you cannot explain that seems to deny the existence of something deeper. The cross seems to stand between you and the transcendental dimension to love. But, strangely, that very cross is the opening also.
Somebody once put it this way: "What stands in the way is the way." And you realize that when you no longer internally resist the form that this moment takes. I call it the "is-ness" of this moment.
JM: Would that be disaster or the honk of a horn while I'm trying to work?
ET: Yes. A little thing or a big thing, resistance is basically the same kind of mechanism. An internal "no" to what is. And since the now is all there ever is in your life, your entire life unfolds as the present moment. People don't realize it, but all they ever have is "this". This moment. Always.
It seems so strange to put it into words. Your life is always this moment. No more, no less. But just "this" is what most people unconsciously trying to run away from. They're always in some future moment where things are hopefully better, or more fulfilling. Or mentally they project a future moment they see as fearful, that they have to tackle this possible thing that might go wrong in the future and they try to deal with now.
Ignoring the aliveness that is actually there concealed in now. It is a collective mental habit to run away, to deny and to resist the is-ness of this moment. Not to aligned with now. And everybody inherits that as a part of their collective mental conditioning. They're taught to live like that from their parents, from their schools. They probably inherit even the very minds structures that create that kind of consciousness.
But there's a shift happening in humanity, a shift in consciousness, happening now because it has to happen now. Because if it doesn't happen now, mankind probably won't survive. The dysfunction of the human mind and its condition is becoming more and more intolerable to the planet, and to humanity. People can't live with themselves much longer. The planet cannot live with humans much longer! The dysfunction has become so magnified through technology.

The most beautiful place on Earth

2008-07-24T09:54:00.000-07:00

2008-07-23T12:34:00.000-07:00

The Dr. didn't think that there's fluid in my abdomen (ascites - carries shedding tumor pieces around the abdominal cavity), but rather an infection, so we're treating it with antibiotics and have a ct scan scheduled for next Wednesday. Thank God! Also I have new meds for the neuropathy, and no constipation as a side effect. This was all so eerily familiar but instead yay it's possibly an infection!

2008-07-23T04:11:00.000-07:00

Off this morning for Dr.s appointment. Little sleep, in and out of worry. My friend Julie is driving me which is a blessing, also I'm about to take an Atavan which should help the mood this morning. Keeping all advice and words of support in mind. xox

Parallels ACIM and Eckhart Tolle's A New Earth

2008-07-20T07:31:00.000-07:00

Here is a rather long excerpt from A New Earth, which is essentially exactly what A Course in Miracles says is the way to heal; by healing others, we heal ourselves. By overlooking others' confused behaviour and recognizing it as their illusion, we help them to heal.

(Chapter: The Core of Ego)
"Resentment is the emotion that goes with complaining and the mental labeling of people and adds even more energy to the ego. Resentment means to feel bitter, indignant, aggrieved, or offended. You resent other people's greed, their dishonesty, their lack of integrity, what they are doing, what they did in the past, what they said, what they failed to do, what they should or shouldn't have done. The ego loves it. Instead of overlooking unconsciousness in others, you make it into their identity. Who is doing that? The unconsciousness in you, the ego. Sometimes the "fault" that you perceive in another isn't even there. It is a total misinterpretation, a projection by a mind conditioned to see enemies and to make itself right or superior. At other times, the fault may be there, but by focusing on it, sometimes to the exclusion of everything else, you amplify it. And what you react to in another, you strengthen in yourself.
Nonreaction to the ego in others is one of the most effective ways not only of going beyond the ego in yourself but also of dissolving the collective human ego. But you can only be in a state of nonreaction if you can recognize someone's behaviour as coming from the ego, as being an expression of the collective human dysfunction. When you realize it's not personal, there is no longer a compulsion to react as if it were. By not reacting to the ego, you will often be able to bring out the sanity in others, which is the unconditioned consciousness as opposed to the conditioned. At times you may have to take practical steps to protect yourself from deeply unconscious people. This you can do without making them enemies. Your greatest protection, however, is being conscious. Somebody becomes an enemy if you personalize the unconsciousness that is the ego. Nonreaction is not weakness but strength. Another word for nonreaction is forgiveness. To forgive is to overlook, or rather to look through. You look through the ego to the sanity that is in every human being as his or her essence."

Exactly what ACIM says: to forgive is to overlook, to overlook is to heal another, to heal another is to heal yourself.

The one thing that I struggle with in all of the reading that I do is the suggestion that we cause our own illnesses. This is explained to me through ACIM that the body is a learning tool. It cannot of itself make decisions, or feel emotions. The ego uses the body for pleasure, pride, and (I think) punishment. The mind is what directs the body, and a sick mind, a mind divided against itself, is under the illusion that the ego is the "I am" and not the mind itself. When you heal your mind, through forgiveness (extension) and correction of errors in perception, and are no longer subject to your ego, your body is healed also. This I can accept, but I wish I was one of those people immediately enlightened and healed in times of great strife.
Also, I have struggles with fear, fearing not, working through fear, accepting fear, and all of that. Healing can't happen when fear is present, so things are a bit difficult here.
If anyone can help me here, please let me know. Use the comments spot to talk.

2008-07-18T21:48:00.000-07:00

The latest development is now a swelling of my belly, thinking that maybe it's digestive issues, but this is how it all began. I'm praying that it's nothing, as it gets bigger, and I'm hoping that it's caused by gas. When I lie down it expands or weighs down my middle and when I sit up, it feels solid. I really can't sleep.

wall

2008-07-14T06:20:00.000-07:00

I seem to have hit this point where nothing is right and there's nothing that can be done or that I can do to change how I feel. I've gone off the "serious" reading for too long, maybe. I think that the disappointment of not going or knowing about my old job is quite painful. I think that this has been going on for a long time now and keeping hopeful is becoming an art form in and of itself. If I visit with people I don't feel like talking about the cancer and I don't feel that visiting is the same anymore, because I am always too aware that I have cancer. Part of me is so happy to have hair and eyelashes again so that I can pass as "normal" and I look healthy from the outside, and another part of me is sick of the neuropathy, the digestion issues, the lack of sleep, etc., etc.,. Keeping it together has been hard these past 2 weeks for some reason. I'm going to take a hint from Edmund and sit with my face toward the sun, listening to the birds.

2008-07-10T20:01:00.001-07:00

Just when I think I'm inconsolable, Mike consoles me. Thank God.

One Week

2008-06-27T06:03:00.000-07:00

After having my nephrostomy tube internalized permanently I have had an on-going fever for 7 days. It seems to have broken, finally, and the hole in my back is healing very well. So chemo has been delayed until Monday. I'm taking shots now called Eprex that help build the hemogloben in the bone marrow. When I picked up the shots at the parmacy, the pharmacist told me how much they cost ($13,000) and I just started weeping. Because I still have benefits these shots cost me $2.00. We are soooooooooo lucky in Canada. We've had some great thunderstorms this week, and probably more to come this weekend.

more new pictures

2008-06-19T19:12:00.001-07:00

Lovely phlox.

New pictures

2008-06-19T18:28:00.000-07:00

I've posted pictures of my physical transformation through treatment, below. I'm enjoying adding pictures to the blog very much.

Today I have had my nephrostomy tube changed and internalized permanently, and tomorrow they will remove the urine bag collecting urine on my leg because the procedure seems to have worked well and things are lookin' good. Hot showers, swimming, long baths, as soon as the wound heals. I have to say that dignity is one of the major issues I've faced during this process, and each time a little dignity is regained it has been changed for the better in my perception. I see people in my situation, or as in today in the hospital I saw people where I have been, brave and crumpled, stranded in gurneys, and I wish them full of love.
That is now the most beautiful prayer I can ever imagine, as Mike told me he prayed, "God, please fill her with love." Now I give that prayer to others because it means everything to me.
Whoever you are that I'm praying for, that is what I now ask for you.
Also, happily I am finally nearing the end of A Course in Miracles, which has been a fantastic and true course. I feel that this week I really had a whammo moment of understanding, so I'm also happy that I'm not done yet. I want to thank everyone in my beautiful neighbourhood for your gardens and the interesting work you're having done on your homes, as well as for your smiles and sweet, shy cats and dogs. I am posting pictures of some gardens here, and I wish I could fit them in with the text, but I haven't got there yet. Feeling happy tonight!

ACIM cont'd

2008-06-10T07:21:00.000-07:00

(Chapter 8 cont'd.)
Help and healing are the normal expressions of a mind that is working through the body, but not in it. If the mind believes the body is its goal it will distort its perception of the body, and by blocking its own extension beyond it, will induce illness by fostering separation [from the source of all life].....Health is therefore nothing more than united purpose. If the body is brought under the purpose of the mind, it becomes whole because the mind's purpose is one.....The power of wholeness is extension.

(pt. 8 The Body as as Means or End)
You must have noticed an outstanding characteristic of every end that the ego has accepted as its own. When you have achieved it, it has not satisfied you. This is why the ego is forced to shift ceaselessly from one goal to another, so that you cwill continue to hope it can yet offer you something.

Sickness is meaningful only if the two basic premises on which the ego's interpretation of the body rests are true; that the body is for attack, and that you are a body. Without these premses sickness is inconceivable.

[The body is a learning device] A learning device is not a teacher. It cannot tell you how you feel. You do not know how you feel because you have accepted the ego's confusion, and you therefore believe that a learning device can tell you how you feel.....Health is the result of relinquishing all attempts to use the body lovelessly.

****

These passages are next to impossible to separate from religious overtones, which really give them their meaning, so for now I'll stop here and continue to try to live in the Now, or as ACIM states, the Holy Instant. By doing this, the past and future don't exist, and so it is easier to accept others as they come to you now and extend only healing thoughts to them.
"Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all of the barriers within yourself that you have built against it."(Chapt. 16)
Chapter 16 talks all about the Holy Instant and the healing that is extended and returned by your willingness to "[release] your brothers from the slavery of their illusions by forgiving them for the illusions you perceive in them. Thus will you learn that you have been forgiven, for it is you who offered them illusions." Overlook perceived mistakes, let go of the past that condition your perception of someone in the present, and your perception of reality is transformed with this practice. "In the transition there is a period of confusion, in which a sense of actual disorientation may occur. But fear it not,for it means only that you have been willing to let go your hold on the distorted frame of reference that seemed to hold your world together."
"To forgive is merelyto remember only the loving thoughts you gave in the past, and those that were given you. All the rest must be forgotten. Forgiveness is a selective remembering, based not on your selection.....But first, be sure you fully realize what you have made the past to represent, and why. The past becomes the justification for entering into a continuing, unholy alliance with the ego against the present. For the present is forgiveness."

ACIM cont'd

2008-06-09T13:54:00.000-07:00

(Chapt.6 - The Lessons of Love)
Teach only love, for that is what you are.
Any concept of punishment involves projection 0f blame, and reinforces the idea that blame is justified. The result is a lesson in blame, for all behaviour teaches the beliefs that motivate it.....what you teach is teaching you, and what you project or extend you believe.

A wise teacher teaches through approach, not avoidance. He does not emphasize what you must avoid to escape from harm, but what you need to learn to have joy.

Everything is accomplished through life, and life is of the mind and in the mind.....If the mind can heal the body, but the body cannot heal the mind, then the mind must be stronger than the body. Every miracle demonstrates this.....there is no order of difficulty in miracles.

The ego uses the body for attack, for pleasure and for pride.

1. To have, give all to all. (.....You learn first that having rests on giving, and not on getting.)
2. To have peace, teach peace to learn it. (.....Next you learn that you learn what you teach, and that you want to learn peace.)
3. Be vigilant only for God and His Kingdom. (.....The third step is thus one of protection for your mind, allowing you to identify only with the center.....The third step, then, is a statement of what you want to believe, and entails a willingness to relinquish everything else.)

(Chapt. 7)
If different abilities are applied long enough to one goal, the abilities themselves become unified. This is because they are channelized in one direction, or in one way. Ultimately, then, they all contribute to one result, and by so doing, their similarity rather than their differences is emphasized.

The law of extension/sharing: .....you give what you value in order to keep it in your mind.

(Chapt. 8)
When you meet anyone, remember it is a holy encounter. As you see him you will see yourself. As you treat him you will treat yourself. As you think of him you will think of yourself.
Never forget this, for in him you will find yourself or lose yourself.

From A Course in Miracles

2008-06-09T12:39:00.000-07:00

This really is because I need to remember what I've read in ACIM, I've gotten into a bit of a cloud today, I could not remember how to spell "news" the other day no matter how hard I tried (noos, nuise) and these are parts that I've high-lighted. Again, I'm leaving out direct religious content, although personally I can relate to the religious content.
(Chapt.2, VI Fear and Conflict)
The presence of fear shows that you have raised body thoughts to the level of the mind.....The truth is that you are responsible for what you think, because it is only at this level that you can exercise choice. What you do comes from what you think.....You must change your mind, not your behaviour, and this is a matter of willingness. You do not need guidance except at the mind level.....The correction of fear is your responsibility.....You should ask for help in the conditions that have brought the fear about.
(Chapt.3, IV Error and the Ego)
.....The ego is a wrong-minded attempt to perceive yourself as you wish to be, rather than as you are.....you cannot escape from fear until you realize that you did not and could not create yourself.
(Chapt.4,VI This Need Not Be)
(Be vigilant against the demands of the ego).....actively refuse to let your mind slip away. The problem is not one of concentration; it is the belief that no one, including yourself, is worth consistent effort.
(Chapt. 5, Healing and Wholeness) ( This deals with extension, as in the example below of an idea, vs. ego projection and the thought or fear of loss.)
You are being blessed by every beneficent thought of any of your brothers anywhere. You should want to bless them in return, out of gratitude.
.....If you share a physical possession, you do divide its ownership. If you share an idea, however, you do not lessen it. All of it is still yours although all of it has been given away. Further, if the one to whom you give it accepts it as his, he reinforces it in your mind and thus increases it.
(In this way, when you choose only to see the best in someone, overlooking what you feel has been somehow wrong, you heal them and also yourself).

2008-06-06T12:51:00.001-07:00

I love you, Pat.

Poems

2008-06-04T06:13:00.000-07:00

I just dicovered that the poems that are in the first posts here are from Paradise Lost, Book II by John Milton.

New Day

2008-06-02T10:54:00.000-07:00

Along with the amitryptaline recommended by my home care nurse, Mike was right when he asked me to accept peripheral neuropathy, numbness and stiffening, as a fact along the way to healing.
This has enabled me to begin walking in the neighbourhood. Of course spring helps this tremendously.
There were many months where I was caught in the runic Isa - stillness. unable to move or sustain a long-standing position due to weakening from chemo. Abdominal infection, complications from chemo, dehydration, the inability to stop crying and calm down. A deep and threatening well of sadness.
I can't express how grateful I am to experience this spring. Even with no idea what this new chemo is doing, I'm so happy to regain some vigor, as well as some dignity.
And freedom: mobility, energy, bravery, acceptance. Growing acceptance. Growing faith and a new perception, most importantly of all.
I hop into and out of fear better now. There are no guarantees and so my life is no longer a transaction -- a contract here, stability there. I am fortunate to have my little piece of the world, and blessed to have financial help from our families. Otherwise, we'd be screwed.
I would ask everyone to build themselves a safety net and to GET SUDDEN ILLNESS INSURANCE. Every single mother and father, every family. I never thought I needed it and so I never had it. GET INSURANCE ON YOUR LOANS. This seemingly insignificant amount per month has saved our asses. Again, we didn't know we needed it but it's completely worthwhile.
And if you are presently incapacitated, please try out the books I've listed for yourself; they've been like a salve for me. The Course in Miracles and The Power of Now go hand in hand, and have really deepened something in me. Love, love love!
Some excerpts from a Course in Miracles:

"In any situation in which you are uncertain, the first thing to consider, very simply, is 'What do I want to come of this? What is it for?' The clarification of the goal belongs at the beginning, for it is this which will determine the outcome."(Chapt. 17, pt. 6)

Healing, healing, healing. That's my goal.

"The value in deciding in advance what you want to happen is simply that you will perceive the situation as a means to make it happen. You will therefore make every effort to overlook what interferes with the accomplishment of your objective, and concentrate on everything that helps you meet it.....The situation now has meaning, but only because the goal has made it meaningful."(Chapt.17, pt.6)

There's more here dealing with the goal of truth and the outcome of peace, and recognizing the outcome because you are at peace.

"[The] situation is as the goal determines it, and is experienced according to the goal.....[You need faith that this will happen] The goal establishes the fact that everyone involved in it will play his part in its accomplishment. This is inevitable. No one will fail in anything.....Your faith must grow to meet the goal that has been set."(Chapt. 17, pt.6)

I'm deliberately downplaying the book's association with Christianity because there is so much in this book that is helpful, regardless of religious faith.
Anyway, I was watching the little birds in our backyard learn to fly in the grass -- flying for a foot and hopping through. There are 5, I think. That's where I'm headed.

OOPS

2008-05-30T06:56:00.000-07:00

Instead of taking my new medication (temodol --chemo med) every 24 hours and my anti-nausea med every 12 hrs. I've taken both drugs every 12 hours. I'll continue to take as prescribed now. Even the mosquitoes didn't bite me last night.

Day after the appointment day

2008-05-29T13:01:00.000-07:00

After walking with Mike last night, I went for a beautiful walk today for probably half to a quarter hour in the old Italian Ward area of Guelph where we live and really made a point of noticing and appreciating the gardens and the flowers that are blooming right now. I'm finding it difficult to classify where my head is at any moment, but I'd like to be able to say that my mind's in the present, so now I'm practicing being here in the Now or the Holy Instant as well as starting to practice surrender. I still flicker into moments of panic and fear but I'm learning that I can pull back into the present with a deep, soft drawing-in and letting go of breath. I am doing this as we speak because this reality is so new to me.

What's up the night of the appointment day

2008-05-28T19:09:00.001-07:00

Well now Mike's in bed and I'm up with what seems to be some kind of energy boost, whether from doing this blog or awakening to something new or accepting my situation. I've had to make the switch, from off to on and permanently on, looking it in the face even if I can't make it out. And of course, that's the way I want it to be: distant, and a long way off from coming closer. And of course, it is death. God please lead me. This is my, "Even though I walk through the valley of of the shadow of death....." time.

Psalm 23 >>King James Bible

1 The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.
2 He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.
3 He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.
5 Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.
6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the LORD for ever.

Psalm 23 >> New American Standard Bible ©

The LORD, the Psalmist’s Shepherd.
A Psalm of David.
1 The LORD is my shepherd,I shall not want. 2 He makes me lie down in green pastures;He leads me beside quiet waters. 3 He restores my soul;He guides me in the paths of righteousnessFor His name’s sake. 4 Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,I fear no evil, for You are with me;Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me. 5 You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;You have anointed my head with oil;My cup overflows. 6 Surely goodness and lovingkindness will follow me all the days of my life,And I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever.

Books that have really helped me to go through this and now to face this

2008-05-28T17:15:00.000-07:00

(Currently) A Course in Miracles http://www.acim.org/
(Currently) The Power of Now Eckhart Tolle
Love, Medecine andMiracles Bernie S. Siegel, M.D.
Peace, Love and Healing Bernie S. Siegel
Dr. Marla Shapiro's book Life in the Balance
Creating Miracles Caroline Miller, Ph.D.
Dream Healer 1 and 2
An online interview with Howard Storm (see links)
It's not about the Bike Lance Armstrong
A meditiation CD from my friend Shawna, Guided Mindful Meditation by Jon Kabat-Zin
A Healing Meditation CD by Kelly Howell (see link)
Meditation sessions a la Edgar Cayce (see link)

Some of the things I've been reading in Eckhart Tolle's The Power of Now

2008-05-28T16:47:00.000-07:00

To seek something through another is wrong.
'..."All that rises, passes away. This I know." What he meant was this: I have learned to offer no resistance to what is; I have learned to allow the present moment to be and accept the impermanent nature of all things and conditions. Thus have I found peace.

To offer no resistance to life is to be in a state of grace, ease, and lightness. This state is then no longer dependent upon things being in a certain way, good or bad. It seems almost paradoxical, yet when your inner dependency on form is gone, the general condition of your life, the outer forms, tend to improve greatly. Things, people, or conditions that you thought you needed for your happiness now come to you with no effort or struggle on your part, and you are free to enjoy and appreciate them -- while they last. All those things, of course, will still pass away, cycles will come and go, but with dependency gone there is no fear of loss anymore. Life flows with ease.(p.158)
////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////(That was Serene, my cat)

All inner resistance is experienced as negativity in one form or another. All negativity is resistance.(p.158)

Negativity is totally unnatural. It is a psychic pollutant, and there is a deep link between the poisoning and destruction of nature and the vast negativity that has accumulated in the collective human psyche. No other life from on the planet knows negativity, only humans, just as no other life form violates and poisons the Earth that sustains it.....The only animals that may occasionally experience akin to negativity or show signs of neurotic behaviour are those that live in close contact with humans and so link into the human mind and its insanity.(p.159)

I'll stop for now.

Things that I felt while sitting in the backyard reading today after the Dr. appointment

2008-05-28T16:20:00.001-07:00

The God who made you, made me.
I can (also) do no harm
We're the same
I have my touch therapy,
The hands of the trees giving away
Balsam fir sweeping away the negative, the fear

I balance what I could have lost
had alot of time to think
and practice
new behaviour therapy
of listening with open ears
and heart and mind
Don't get stuck on an idea
let it go and
be as honest as you feel you can
The hand that made thee, made me
We ARE alive
So I get my hair back
and my neuropathy goes away
and I accept as real
that I have these cancers in me
and now I take my best steps
step as best as I can.

I don't have to sit in the chemo room.
I get my nephrostomy internalized.
I have an excellent Dr..
God please guide me, please protect me, please rejeuvinate me, please lead me, please heal me.
Take these steps with me.
Eckhart Tolle, Power Of Now:

"What is God? The eternal One Life underneath all forms of life. What is Love? To feel the presence of that One Life deep within yourself and within all creatures. To be it. Therefore, all love is the love of God... Love is not selective, just as the light of the sun is not selective.. It does not make one person special. It is not exclusive. ... All you can do is create a space for transformati0n to happen, for grace and love to enter." (p.131)

I don't know if I've navigated well, thus far, in terms of my behaviour towards others and towards life itself. I'm very gullible, with myself.

Laterally relative to good news

2008-05-28T09:54:00.000-07:00

There are 2 tumors - one on my liver and one near my spleen - which have increased in size since February, while there has been no mention of another tumor that seems to have disappeared. These seedings are being treated with a new oral chemotherapy drug (5 days). I hope that this drug works.

Day of Discovery

2008-05-28T03:39:00.000-07:00

Well, today is the day when I find out if I continue on with chemotherapy or stop, as well as if there are threatening or remaining tumors left. I don't feel as Nuala did about life. Things are very beautiful to me. Sadness is one of those things that creeps in, and then in a while it goes and there's sort of a humming quiet.
My sister is driving me in for the appointments, and the day is quite beautiful and crisp.
I give not Heav'n for lost.

Nuala O'Faolain: One perspective on death

2008-05-27T07:06:00.000-07:00

Sunday April 13 2008 - From interview found online:

The writer Nuala O' Faolain is dying of cancer. In an emotion-charged interview with Marian Finucane broadcast on RTE yesterday she revealed that she was diagnosed six weeks ago in New York. She said the cancer, which began in her lungs but has now spread to her brain and liver, is incurable. She has turned down the option of chemotherapy, which could help prolong her life
Transcript of Interview by Marian Finucane with Nuala O'Faolain MF: Nuala O'Faolain you've been on the programme a number of times in connection with your writing and you wrote your memoir "Are You Somebody" in a way that it seemed it explained yourself to you and now you're doing this interview in a completely different context and I understand that it's to explain yourself to yourself as well as to us as well.
NO'F: Yeah, it must look as if I'm an awful divil for publicity altogether and, in a sense, since I wrote "Are You Somebody" and it reached what is truth to say was a huge response, I have in a sense put myself out there. And the interviews I gave back then 10 or 11 years ago are like one bookend in which I presented myself and lots of people didn't like me and lots of people did.
But one way or another it was company for me who happens to be a childless middle-aged woman.
Now I am actually dying and I have Metastatic cancer in three different parts of my body.
And, somehow or another, it helps me to set up the other bookend and to say to those people who were interested in me and did care about me to say to them 'well this is how it is for me now for what its worth'.
MF: When were you diagnosed?
NO'F: About six weeks ago I was in New York. I have a terrific life to be absolutely honest with you. I managed to buy a little room that I absolutely loved and the important thing about the room is that it was mine, 'cause for several years myself and this man I liked were trying to pretend that I was part of his family, him and his 14- year-old daughter who lived in a house in Brooklyn. I had at last managed to negotiate that I wasn't ever going to be any good of a stepmother, that she didn't need me, that she had a good mother and a good father.
I didn't need her, I didn't want to spend my life watching her doing her homework. So I gradually semi moved out and I used to go to music and meet my friends and eat and I was writing a book and I'd applied for a fellowship to write a book and I had Ireland. So everything was well.
But I was walking along one day after fitness class and my right side began to drag and I eventually went to A&E in a New York hospital, a thing I wouldn't wish anyone to do.
MF: Why?
NO'F: Because it is full of chaos and people who have been shot and run over and, I couldn't get over this, I spent 13 hours on a little gurney and the people beside me were there for unhappiness.
Anyway, I was sitting there waiting to hear what was wrong with my right leg when the guy came past and said that 'your CAT scan shows that you have two brain tumours and we're going to do X-rays to see where they're from, they're not primaries'. And that is the first ever I knew.
MF: He said that in the middle of A&E.
N.O'F: He just passed by and I was on my own, you know. He just passed by and a few hours later he passed by again and said the X-Rays show you have lung tumours and since then others turned up. That was New York six weeks ago and since then I stayed a few nights in hospital. I might mention a bill of €28,000, but I had some health insurance through my dear friend John, but I sort of knew that I should come back to Ireland and I was absolutely right.
MF: How did you deal with the information?
NO'F: Em, I couldn't deal with it ... I was so shocked I would pay attention to anything except what I had just been told. And it took me a long time to work my way a little bit out of shock.
MF: In terms of what people think about cancer, the shock the terror and the treatment. Did they say to you or did you even ask them at that stage, about eh treatment and your chances and those kinds of questions
NO'F: Well I saw some people in New York and they are not very different from here. The thing about my cancers are they are incurable and that's the central fact about them. There is a great cancer hospital in New York just up the road from my beloved room which I will never see again, but anyway, I might have gone to Sloane Kettering if there had been a chance of a cure, but from the beginning to the end I have been very lucky.
There is no chance of a cure. There's a chance of aggressive treatment that will gain you time, often good time. And I came back to Ireland and did 14 brain radiations and the idea was that I would move on to chemotherapy and I don't doubt that what I have been advised here is at least as good.
The question arrived. I was supposed to start chemotherapy. I was supposed to start 18 weeks of it, six goes of it. After three gos they would know if it was working .
But whether it was the disease or the brain radiation I don't know or care, [it] reduced me to such feelings of impotence and wretchedness and sourness with life... and fear that I decided against it.
MF: Very often you hear of people being told 'oh, you have got to have a positive attitude' and 'a positive attitude is what gets you through' and I have betimes thought that this put a lot of pressure on the person that was told to have a positive attitude. What's your own view on that?
NO'F: Yeah, I was just reading about some best-selling man who says 'Live your dream to the end' and so on and I don't despise anyone who does, but I don't see it that way. Even if I gained time through the chemotherapy it isn't time I want. Because as soon as I knew I was going to die soon, the goodness went out of life.
MF: I think that's a very interesting thing. Because, as I understood it, for you life was very sweet, you had sorted out your American life, you had your life in Ireland, you had your life in universities, then you were going to write. So life was very sweet for you at that point. Why does it not seem to you that if you went through treatment life could not be sweet again?
NO'F: It's the time that I would get at the end of the treatment. I'm not even thinking about the treatment itself. It amazed me, Marian, how quickly life turned black, immediately almost.
For example, I lived somewhere beautiful, but it means nothing to me anymore -- the beauty. For example, twice in my life I have read the whole of Proust. I know it sounds pretentious, but it's not a bit. It's like a huge soap opera. But I tried again the week before last and it was gone, all the magic was gone from it.
And I'm not nice or anything -- I'm not getting nicer. I'm sour and difficult you know. I don't know how my friends and family are putting up with me, but they are, heroically. And that is one of the things you learn.
But, in general, every year since I was 60 me and the sisters and brother and sister-in-law have gone to Italy and sat on a beach. And I thought: 'Well, I will keep that goal', but now I am wondering if I would sit on the beach thinking what? I would be thinking 'God, was I a bit breathless last night? Am I going to choke? Is my right leg swelling and is it hurting?' There's so much you can't know.
You see, the cancer is a very ingenious enemy and when you ask somebody how will I actually die? How do you actually die of cancer ?... I don't get an answer because It could be anything.
It can move from one organ to the other, it can do this that or the other. It's already in my liver, for example. So I don't know how it's going to be. And that overshadows everything. And I don't want six months or a year. It's not worth it .
MF: Do you believe in an afterlife.?
NO'F: No, I do not.
MF: Or a God.
NO'F: Well that's a different matter somehow. I actually don't know how we all get away with our unthikingness. Often last thing at night I walk the dog down the lane and you look up at the sky illuminated by the moon and behind the moon the Milky Way and, you know, you are nothing on the edge of one planet compared to this universe unimaginably vast up there and unimaginably mysterious.
And I have done that for years, looked up at it and given it a wink and thought 'I don't know what's going on' and I still don't know what's going on, but I can't be consoled by mention of God. I can't.
MF: Would you like it?
NO'F: No. Oh no I wouldn't. If I start doing that something really bad is happening to my brain, though I was baptised and I remember my First Communion and I went to Catholic schools and I was in the legion of Mary and I tried to stick to my pledge.
And though I respect and adore the art that arises from the love of God and though nearly everybody I love and respect themselves believe in God, it is meaningless to me, really meaningless.
MF: The reason I asked you is because it is a source of comfort for many people?
NO'F: Well, I wish them every comfort, but it is not even bothering me. I don't even think about it. I have never believed in the Christian version of the individual creator... how could I know far too many Buddhists and atheists and every kind of thing?
Let poor human beings believe what they want, but to me its meaningless. I waited on the radio the other day to hear poor John O'Donoghue knowing that he is very important to many people, but to me it is utterly meaningless to someone it isn't meaningful to.
And yet I want to mention one thing that you might play at the end, particularly for dying people, but I picked up little bits here and there about Ireland, largely at the Merriman Summer School, which is one of the great things in my life, a song I heard a few years ago 'Thois I Lar an Glanna'-- a kind of modern song sung by Albert Fry and other Donegal singers. And the last two lines are two things, asking God up there in the heavens, even though you don't believe in him, to send you back even though you know it can't happen. Those two things sum up where I am now. (Crying)
MF: When you realised the seriousness of the situation what did that do to your concept of your family, your friends, your enemies should you have them, to make all that right.
NO'F: Yes. For example, I lived for years with Nell McCafferty and let's say, 15 years and lets say 12 of those were the greatest fun and I owe so much to them and in fact as far as I am concerned Irish women owe so much to Nell and I was dead lucky to live with her. But then again it ended up not so hot, but now it is my great pleasure to be in e-mail contact with Nell and to thank her (crying).
MF: And other people you might have lost connection with...
NO'F: Well, funny enough, there is at least one person who was very unkind to me and he can stay that way as far as I am concerned. I always find it hard to forgive people who are unkind and I don't forgive them.
My God, my sisters and my brother and my sisters-in-law, I bet you there are loads of people like me get on grand with their family, but it never occurs to them that their family will go to the ends of the Earth for them. I am even embarrassed by all they do for me. What can I do with that goodness of theirs? If I was a religious person I would see it as the spirit in action, but I just see it as inexplicably good.
MF: You decided that in the time you have that you would see or examine what is that gives life quality or gives meaning or significance for you. Tell me the kinds of things you might do and have done.
NO'F: Well I couldn't do anything for the first weeks because I had to get this brain radiation every day. Then they told me I would have three weeks between it and starting the chemo... if I wanted to start the chemo, because they say we offer you the chemo because we think it will help you a great deal and I don't doubt them.
Well, anyway, I thought if I am going to do chemo it is to win time. What do I want to win time for? What is the quality left in life. And then, so, I arranged to go by myself to Paris and I thought 'I'll stay in the best hotel in Paris' and up to a point it worked.
In the morning, in a ridiculous piece of economy, I didn't have their €40 breakfast and I wandered out and I sat in a café and I had a tartine and milky coffee and I thought -- 'Well this is it. I love this'.
MF: Did that work? Did that do what it is you wanted to find out about or experience.
NO'F: Yes it did, once .But I wouldn't want to try it again. I wouldn't dream of it. It was such a miracle that it came together with the right people and in the right weather. A few days later I went to New York and that was overdoing it.
MF: Again, you are supposed to be sick.
NO'F: WelI I am sick, but I am trying to say goodbye. So much has happened and it seems such a waste of creation that with each death all that knowledge dies.
I think there's a wonderful rule of life that means that we do not consider our own mortality. I know we seem to, and remember, 'man thou art but dust', but I don't believe we do. I believe there is an absolute difference between knowing that you are likely to die, let's say within the next year, and not knowing when you are going to die -- an absolute difference.
MF: So people don't move away from you? Or how do people deal with you, I mean friends. Do they crowd you out?
NO'F: Obviously sometimes, in fact often, I pray for them to go away for the very essence of this experience is aloneness and, anyway, it is the steroids keep you awake at night. So it is 2 in the morning or four in the morning and you're walking around and all you know is that whatever it is you are feeling or thinking is yours and nobody else's. And there is nobody else to lay it off on and that aloneness is the centre and the thing that you never know when you are well ...
The two things that keep me from the worst of self-pity are that everyone's done it so that ordinary people are as brave as I could ever be or as less brave as I could ever be.
The second thing that really matters to me is that in my time, which is mostly the 20th century, people have died horribly, billions of people have died horribly, in Auschwitz, in Darfur, or dying of starvation or dying multiply raped in the Congo or dying horribly like that.
I think look how comfortably I am dying, I have friends and family, I am in this wonderful country, I have money, there is nothing much wrong with me except dying.
When I think of how privileged I am. I had two brothers who died of drink and they died miserably and under- privileged and here I am as usual the lucky one in the family (crying).
MF: One of the things that you wrote about and wrote about is that what you thought mattered in life was passion?
NO'F: That seems a bit silly now. What matters now in life is health and reflectiveness. I just shot around. I would like it if I had been a better thinker.
MF: What about the passion?
NO'F: The passion can go and take a running jump at itself, that's what it can take.
MF: And love?
NO'F: Well, love's different, but I always [get the] two mixed up anyway. Well here I am, I am glad I didn't have a child, that's all. One of the reasons why is that since I heard about this I have been thinking about men and women, parents who are trailing around their houses with Methastatic cancer like me, trying to hide it from them, trying to say goodbye, even though they are too tired to move. And it seems to me to die leaving children behind is so bad.
MF: It is natural.
NO'F: I don't know, to me it seems the most terrible thing. I would have been a terrible mother. My mother was a terrible mother and I was very close to her and I drank too much 'til I was 40, which was a waste of my one and only life. The whole family, family life was predicated on drink. We'd meet our father in a pub or our mother in a pub, everything was done through a pub.
Nobody realises until they move outside Ireland just how abnormal Ireland is that way. If I had my life again I wouldn't drink and I, of course, I wouldn't smoke and I would try to think better although where drink would get me I don't know. Its about 16 years since I had a cigarette.
MF: Did it start in the lung?
NO'F: Yes it did. It makes no difference. I remember Charlie Haughey showing me his X-Rays and you could see at the edge of them a big pale grey expanse. That was where he had smoked.
MF: If there are people who have cancer or loved ones who have cancer and passionately believe that the treatments are going to work for them, there is the possibility that this could cast a despair over them.
NO'F: My despair is my own, their hope is their own. Their spirituality is their own. My way of looking at the world is my own. We each end up differently facing this common fate.
I wish everybody out there a miracle cure.
Every single professional will tell you that they cannot say how long it will be... and it is my choice not to go the route of chemotherapy.
Funnily enough I don't care about losing the hair. What I do care about is that sometimes I see people frightened or repulsed and that is why I went and got a wig in which I look like a rather striking but elderly chorus girl.
Now I am beginning to put the auld bald head out there and I still have a few eyebrows, but what do I want them for? I don't care about anything any more. I know everyone says the hair matters, but that is not true. You can put a little cap on or something for the hair. That is irrelevant compared with having to leave the world behind.
MF: You said it wasn't so much you leaving the world as the world leaving you.
NO'F: I thought there would be me and the world, but the world turned its back on me, the world said to me that's enough of you now and what's more we're not going to give you any little treats at the end.
MF: Like...
NO'F: Like, let's say, adoring nature. Music is not quite gone, but I'm afraid it will go if I overdo it. So I'm trying to listen to as little as possible.
One of the reasons I went to New York was to hear live music, which I did the night before last -- a wonderful string quartet, and thanks be to God my heart responded because if I had had to sit there listening to Schubert's quartet Death and the Maiden meaning nothing to me I really think I would have thought I am going to throw myself under the subway train, but it wasn't. I came out elated. There's things left.
I still occasionally like food and above all I like sleep and what I am hoping for, and I don't think this is going to happen, but if I could have this I kinda hoped there was some kind of way of fading away, that you lay on your bed and you were really a nice person and everyone came and said goodbye and wept and you wept and you meant it and you weren't in any pain for discomfort and that you didn't choke and didn't die in a mess of diarrhoea and you just go weaker and they say you might emigrate into some other organ.
Mine is already in my liver and I don't know what that means, but if that means that sometime in the middle of the night on your own as you must be, you know you are just about to go into the dark that's what I want.
(Weeping)
NO'F: It was well worth doing, you are sure it won't give people despair.
MF: Well, just on that point, because you have travelled your journey now in your head and in your heart, and I don't want to give other people despair because people do get cured from cancer, many many people, the majority of people do and I don't know if you can give people advice.
NO'F: No.

Giving not Heaven for Lost

2008-05-23T13:44:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure what the new amitryptaline is doing to me, other than right now I'm sleeping like a log and I still have insane peripheral neuropathy as well as being bunged up. I've had 2 pills so far and I'm not sure if it's sinking ijn.
The neuropathy is like a stiffening of my joints in my hands and toes/ankles, as well as a numbness creeping up my arms and legs. Sometimes it feels as if there are raw nerve endings in my fingers, behind my finger nails, definitely in my feet. It seems as if it's been so long since my body has felt normal, and while I'm happy that I look normal on the outside, the physical difficulty I'm having doing everyday things is crazy, such as opening up a creamer for a coffee, lifting a lid off of a cottage cheese or other container, maintaining a grip on something, holding a fork, getting cutlery from a drawer, etc. etc..
This is a tiring process and I really hope that it is leading to recovery.

Another Milton

2008-05-22T13:01:00.000-07:00

The happier state
In Heav'n, which follows dignity, might draw
Envy from each inferior; but who here
Will envy whom the highest place exposes
Formost to stand against the Thunderers aime
Your bulwark, and condemns to greatest share
Of endless pain?
10/25/2006 1:06 PM

Living in the present

2008-05-22T12:22:00.000-07:00

This is a new growing strength developing within me but it doesn't get full-time access to now because fears keep cropping up and I have to keep meditating/medicating/praying them away. Even sometimes when I do this the fear keeps swirling around and shifting its form. I have all this time to relax and I have to either read or remind myself to relax. This has to be the most difficult time of my life, and even that I'm struggling against realizing that it's real, and realizing that it's real. If you know what I mean.
There are ideas, there's living in the Now, the Holy Instant, the ego and what seems real at the time. There are sounds that go deep into the background, there's buzzing sometimes in my ears. Once upon a time my memories did happen and I cannot predetermine all future events. (Notice I didn't say any future events. I don't know, can we, or do we have to surrender that?) I know what I do now counts for later.
And I know sunny days are nicer than gloomy days.

As I get closer to knowing do I live or do I die, and even then do I live or do I die, I find that there's not much joy in pretending. Old roles have changed for me, or they're accellerated to now, blown up for view, studied and thrown away. I could cry all the time or I can really really do anything I can to bring myself into the now and stay here for a while, more and more. I guess that's how we or I accept things.

I have found that in moments of clarity I like to be with Mike, and that he makes the moment fun and good. Being present with him is great. I have had clarity with my family I think only because Mike's there and I feel safe, or because someone in my family has come forward to be present with me in love and understanding. I love my friends but I find that it can be awkward to be in this state around them, even though they would do anything to be helpful or loving.
I'm just so sad. But I become okay.

2008-05-22T11:55:00.001-07:00

Today marks a new therapy in addition to my new therapy. I am sometimes/reminded to be in/in the present. I am making a simple decision put forth by Eckhart Tolle (The Power of Now):

(To focus your attention on the one thing that you can do now)
"When you create a problem, you create pain. All it takes is a simple choice, a simple decision:
no matter what happens, I will create no more pain for myself. I will create no more problems.....And [I] won't be able to go through with it unless [I] access the power of the Now.
If you create no more pain for yourself then you create no more pain for others. "

The Now seems to be the same thing as the Holy Instant in A Course in Miracles. Both the same things really need a lot of practice.

2008-05-22T11:30:00.000-07:00

I give not Heav'n for lost, too.

More Milton from lblog set-up

2008-05-22T11:08:00.000-07:00

http://preview-minima.blogspot.com/

Sunday, July 02, 2006
More glorious and more dread than from no fall
Mee though just right, and the fixt Laws of Heav'n
Did first create your Leader, next, free choice,
With what besides, in Counsel or in Fight,
Hath bin achievd of merit, yet this loss
Thus farr at least recover'd, hath much more
Establisht in a safe unenvied Throne Yeilded with full consent.

Labels: literature
Saturday, July 01, 2006
imaginations thus displayed
Powers and Dominions, Deities of Heav'n,
For since no deep within her gulf can hold
Immortal vigor, though opprest and fall'n,
I give not Heav'n for lost.

Thursday, June 01, 2006
And with persuasive accent thus began
I should be much for open war, O Peers,
As not behind in hate, if what was urged
Main reason to persuade immediate war
Did not dissuade me most, and seem to cast
Ominous conjecture on the whole success;
When he who most excels in fact of arms,
In what he counsels and in what excels
Mistrustful, grounds his courage on despair
And utter dissolution, as the scope
Of all his aim, after some dire revenge.

Monday, May 01, 2006
Book I
High on a Throne of Royal State, which far
Outshon the wealth of ORMUS and of IND,
Or where the gorgeous East with richest hand
Showrs on her Kings BARBARIC Pearl and Gold,
Satan exalted sat, by merit rais'd
To that bad eminence; and from despair
Thus high uplifted beyond hope, aspires
Beyond thus high, insatiate to pursue
Vain Warr with Heav'n, and by success untaught
His proud imaginations thus displaid.

John Milton

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John Milton

2008-05-22T11:05:00.001-07:00

http://preview-minima.blogspot.com/

poetry

2008-05-22T11:00:00.000-07:00

Great poems in Minima template set-up by John Milton.