It's been a while for me to update this; I bought a new laptop and still have journals and so I have these "snippets" all over the place.
The Hike for Hospice planning is coming along very well, and your pledges have made all the difference and have been very kind and generous.
I will do a proper update in a few days. Last weekend I ended up in Hamilton Hospital, which felt like a big mistake, so this weekend Mike and I will be in the back garden getting ready for spring! Happy Easter!!! xox
Friday, April 10, 2009
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Dominican Republic photos
Well, the top pic. is from "Paradise Island", a snorkeling trip that was good.
The second pic. is Santo Domingo, the capitol city of D.R..
Third: Our room we "lucked" into because there are no elevators and my mother-in-law has a bad knee, so we switched rooms sight unseen. We have yet to show her this!
Fourth: Me! Happy.
Panoramic View of Ocean from Resort
Sunday, March 1, 2009
The facts, ma'am
I haven't posted too many things lately because everything moves on and I was actually quite busy. Unfortunately, and how was anyone to know without checking, this crazy space cancer lies in wait to grow faster than imagined, or as fast as usual, depending upon the perspective you hold. I hope that the D/C cycle "takes" again, because I can feel the tumor under my lower left rib. At night and sometimes when I put my attention on it, which seems to be all the time now, I feel a burning sensation which I hope and hope is divine intervention, but I know is tumor. Just suck up that medication!
So living in denial worked beautifully for a long, long time. And denial isn't the right word, because there's always an awareness of, so really it's more of a forbiddance of domination: mind, body, and spirit.
Again, that is the fight right now, so there's not much reading I'm doing to build up strength. I have to stop yoga for 3 weeks, I have one more session, the 2 weeks off with my guide/therapist because.....We are off to the Domnican Republic. This is a very generous gift from, and with, my mother-in-law. Unrelated to my mother-in-law I have what I hope is an ulcer. This has been threatening my peace of mind, on and of, since my colonoscopy waaaaaaay back last March, with no recurrent pain until Christmas, then whammo, crazy pain the week before this excellent trip. Yesterday I thought innocenttly, "I'll try tums". Not too much happened, so I thought. "I'll try pepto-bismol". I won't get too detailed, but there was definitely a build-up of hydro-chloric acid in my system. So today I am trying yogurt and cereal before my coffee, and maybe 1 cup of coffee. Maybe 2. I really have limited what and the amount that I eat. All before an all inclusive resort!
I plan to call the Dr. on Monday, alert him of the situation and ask for any precautions. He's already gven me antibiotics to take in case anything should happen. What a pill popper I am.
I can already say "I take this medication regularly" in Spanish.
So living in denial worked beautifully for a long, long time. And denial isn't the right word, because there's always an awareness of, so really it's more of a forbiddance of domination: mind, body, and spirit.
Again, that is the fight right now, so there's not much reading I'm doing to build up strength. I have to stop yoga for 3 weeks, I have one more session, the 2 weeks off with my guide/therapist because.....We are off to the Domnican Republic. This is a very generous gift from, and with, my mother-in-law. Unrelated to my mother-in-law I have what I hope is an ulcer. This has been threatening my peace of mind, on and of, since my colonoscopy waaaaaaay back last March, with no recurrent pain until Christmas, then whammo, crazy pain the week before this excellent trip. Yesterday I thought innocenttly, "I'll try tums". Not too much happened, so I thought. "I'll try pepto-bismol". I won't get too detailed, but there was definitely a build-up of hydro-chloric acid in my system. So today I am trying yogurt and cereal before my coffee, and maybe 1 cup of coffee. Maybe 2. I really have limited what and the amount that I eat. All before an all inclusive resort!
I plan to call the Dr. on Monday, alert him of the situation and ask for any precautions. He's already gven me antibiotics to take in case anything should happen. What a pill popper I am.
I can already say "I take this medication regularly" in Spanish.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Not too happy with today's CT scan and Dr.'s interpretation. We had a 6 week break from chemo, and there has been growth in 1 tumor that I was shown. The problem is, no one sees how fast these things grow until they see it, so that saying "I think this is happening" doesn't get a ball rolling. Also, we are nearing the end/threshold for one of the drugs I've been given, because the side effects are grave when they occur, and we're not sure what's left up the Dr.'s sleeve. So here comes that wall, faster than I had hoped, and yet my foot has to stay on the gas.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Ugh
"How do you feel about death?" the new kind of physical therapist asks.
"I don't like it," I say.
"Maybe you need to explore your feelings about death."
Maybe not, I think, but the door has been opened. The stones I so carefully placed at the decayed door, beautifully set and rising so high, start falling apart. Those big, thick boulders I rolled against that festering surface just crumble to dust.
And now I'm so angry I hardly know how to express myself without betraying the rage I so righteously feel against the intruder. Inside I draw my tattered sword and look with withered hope to my patched up armour, like a dirty quilt. And there goes my strength again, running arm-in-arm away with my sneaky courage. Being egged on by my motivation, who I see way off in the distance. We all want to run away from the big, nasty door. But now I have to stay. I'll have to round those comerades up later, again, like before, and before and before.
I tell her that we do not have to explore death, that I have someone else for that, and that we need not go there. I should have told her that death, to me, to many others, is not a theory. It's not the shoulder shrugging "we all have to face it someday" foe. It is the Life or Death foe. The Now or Never foe. It is Death. It needs a brave and sturdy foe itself. Death would walk all over you if you let it.
"I don't like it," I say.
"Maybe you need to explore your feelings about death."
Maybe not, I think, but the door has been opened. The stones I so carefully placed at the decayed door, beautifully set and rising so high, start falling apart. Those big, thick boulders I rolled against that festering surface just crumble to dust.
And now I'm so angry I hardly know how to express myself without betraying the rage I so righteously feel against the intruder. Inside I draw my tattered sword and look with withered hope to my patched up armour, like a dirty quilt. And there goes my strength again, running arm-in-arm away with my sneaky courage. Being egged on by my motivation, who I see way off in the distance. We all want to run away from the big, nasty door. But now I have to stay. I'll have to round those comerades up later, again, like before, and before and before.
I tell her that we do not have to explore death, that I have someone else for that, and that we need not go there. I should have told her that death, to me, to many others, is not a theory. It's not the shoulder shrugging "we all have to face it someday" foe. It is the Life or Death foe. The Now or Never foe. It is Death. It needs a brave and sturdy foe itself. Death would walk all over you if you let it.
Saturday, January 3, 2009
Happy New Year
New Year!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! A hopeful new outlook devloping.
I've been keeping a giant journal of sorts, and for January I've done a review of December.
My hope is to become busier with meaningful activity, and perhaps purposeful work.
I have just finished the last cycle of this chemo, which has been doing a great trick, and after an up-coming heart test we'll figure out the next step.
I have a shadow of hair on my head, the neuropathy seems to be fading out a bit.
Best things of the last year that have helped me toward healing:
Therapy with my Guide/Teacher: She is leading me to the right places. Absolutely.
Hypnotherapy: Even though I am not now doing this regularly, I have recorded sessions on to the computer and occasionally use these for visualization and meditation.
Reading: All of the books listed here. And others, specifically Edgar Cayce as a recent reintroduction for perspective that I find very helpful.
Relationships: All of these have been altered, somehow. These feel much healthier, loving, and valued. The more that I pay attention to my interactions with others, the clearer things are.
Mike, Mike, Mike: Unbelievable love and support. I'm so lucky.
Family: ditto, and included also in relationships.
What has amazed me the whole way along, starting at the beginning, is the way in which I've been placed with the best Dr.s and professionals for me at each moment and at each transition. Also, I have stepped in when things weren't going well and altered those situations for the better by actively doing something to change the situation.
I loved the Christmas cards this year, making cookies and getting the tree. Making decisions without guilt and having things turn out just fine.
Learning to work with fear. Feeling peaceful in the midst of fear. Having a feeling of peace and faith trump fear. Learning about becoming patient.
So much.
I've been keeping a giant journal of sorts, and for January I've done a review of December.
My hope is to become busier with meaningful activity, and perhaps purposeful work.
I have just finished the last cycle of this chemo, which has been doing a great trick, and after an up-coming heart test we'll figure out the next step.
I have a shadow of hair on my head, the neuropathy seems to be fading out a bit.
Best things of the last year that have helped me toward healing:
Therapy with my Guide/Teacher: She is leading me to the right places. Absolutely.
Hypnotherapy: Even though I am not now doing this regularly, I have recorded sessions on to the computer and occasionally use these for visualization and meditation.
Reading: All of the books listed here. And others, specifically Edgar Cayce as a recent reintroduction for perspective that I find very helpful.
Relationships: All of these have been altered, somehow. These feel much healthier, loving, and valued. The more that I pay attention to my interactions with others, the clearer things are.
Mike, Mike, Mike: Unbelievable love and support. I'm so lucky.
Family: ditto, and included also in relationships.
What has amazed me the whole way along, starting at the beginning, is the way in which I've been placed with the best Dr.s and professionals for me at each moment and at each transition. Also, I have stepped in when things weren't going well and altered those situations for the better by actively doing something to change the situation.
I loved the Christmas cards this year, making cookies and getting the tree. Making decisions without guilt and having things turn out just fine.
Learning to work with fear. Feeling peaceful in the midst of fear. Having a feeling of peace and faith trump fear. Learning about becoming patient.
So much.
Monday, December 15, 2008
Keeping on keeping on
Sometimes it feels as if there is just a stasis, and that I'm not getting past resentments and I'm not hopeful enough or there's a right way to do things and I've taken a left turn. This morning I feel like I need to be guided out of a welling funk. It's possible that I'm letting my mind wander, and it's also possible that I'm experiencing fear.
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