Friday, June 27, 2008
One Week
After having my nephrostomy tube internalized permanently I have had an on-going fever for 7 days. It seems to have broken, finally, and the hole in my back is healing very well. So chemo has been delayed until Monday. I'm taking shots now called Eprex that help build the hemogloben in the bone marrow. When I picked up the shots at the parmacy, the pharmacist told me how much they cost ($13,000) and I just started weeping. Because I still have benefits these shots cost me $2.00. We are soooooooooo lucky in Canada. We've had some great thunderstorms this week, and probably more to come this weekend.
Thursday, June 19, 2008
New pictures
I've posted pictures of my physical transformation through treatment, below. I'm enjoying adding pictures to the blog very much.
Today I have had my nephrostomy tube changed and internalized permanently, and tomorrow they will remove the urine bag collecting urine on my leg because the procedure seems to have worked well and things are lookin' good. Hot showers, swimming, long baths, as soon as the wound heals. I have to say that dignity is one of the major issues I've faced during this process, and each time a little dignity is regained it has been changed for the better in my perception. I see people in my situation, or as in today in the hospital I saw people where I have been, brave and crumpled, stranded in gurneys, and I wish them full of love.
That is now the most beautiful prayer I can ever imagine, as Mike told me he prayed, "God, please fill her with love." Now I give that prayer to others because it means everything to me.
Whoever you are that I'm praying for, that is what I now ask for you.
Also, happily I am finally nearing the end of A Course in Miracles, which has been a fantastic and true course. I feel that this week I really had a whammo moment of understanding, so I'm also happy that I'm not done yet. I want to thank everyone in my beautiful neighbourhood for your gardens and the interesting work you're having done on your homes, as well as for your smiles and sweet, shy cats and dogs. I am posting pictures of some gardens here, and I wish I could fit them in with the text, but I haven't got there yet. Feeling happy tonight!
That is now the most beautiful prayer I can ever imagine, as Mike told me he prayed, "God, please fill her with love." Now I give that prayer to others because it means everything to me.
Whoever you are that I'm praying for, that is what I now ask for you.
Also, happily I am finally nearing the end of A Course in Miracles, which has been a fantastic and true course. I feel that this week I really had a whammo moment of understanding, so I'm also happy that I'm not done yet. I want to thank everyone in my beautiful neighbourhood for your gardens and the interesting work you're having done on your homes, as well as for your smiles and sweet, shy cats and dogs. I am posting pictures of some gardens here, and I wish I could fit them in with the text, but I haven't got there yet. Feeling happy tonight!
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
ACIM cont'd
(Chapter 8 cont'd.)
Help and healing are the normal expressions of a mind that is working through the body, but not in it. If the mind believes the body is its goal it will distort its perception of the body, and by blocking its own extension beyond it, will induce illness by fostering separation [from the source of all life].....Health is therefore nothing more than united purpose. If the body is brought under the purpose of the mind, it becomes whole because the mind's purpose is one.....The power of wholeness is extension.
(pt. 8 The Body as as Means or End)
You must have noticed an outstanding characteristic of every end that the ego has accepted as its own. When you have achieved it, it has not satisfied you. This is why the ego is forced to shift ceaselessly from one goal to another, so that you cwill continue to hope it can yet offer you something.
Sickness is meaningful only if the two basic premises on which the ego's interpretation of the body rests are true; that the body is for attack, and that you are a body. Without these premses sickness is inconceivable.
[The body is a learning device] A learning device is not a teacher. It cannot tell you how you feel. You do not know how you feel because you have accepted the ego's confusion, and you therefore believe that a learning device can tell you how you feel.....Health is the result of relinquishing all attempts to use the body lovelessly.
****
These passages are next to impossible to separate from religious overtones, which really give them their meaning, so for now I'll stop here and continue to try to live in the Now, or as ACIM states, the Holy Instant. By doing this, the past and future don't exist, and so it is easier to accept others as they come to you now and extend only healing thoughts to them.
"Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all of the barriers within yourself that you have built against it."(Chapt. 16)
Chapter 16 talks all about the Holy Instant and the healing that is extended and returned by your willingness to "[release] your brothers from the slavery of their illusions by forgiving them for the illusions you perceive in them. Thus will you learn that you have been forgiven, for it is you who offered them illusions." Overlook perceived mistakes, let go of the past that condition your perception of someone in the present, and your perception of reality is transformed with this practice. "In the transition there is a period of confusion, in which a sense of actual disorientation may occur. But fear it not,for it means only that you have been willing to let go your hold on the distorted frame of reference that seemed to hold your world together."
"To forgive is merelyto remember only the loving thoughts you gave in the past, and those that were given you. All the rest must be forgotten. Forgiveness is a selective remembering, based not on your selection.....But first, be sure you fully realize what you have made the past to represent, and why. The past becomes the justification for entering into a continuing, unholy alliance with the ego against the present. For the present is forgiveness."
Help and healing are the normal expressions of a mind that is working through the body, but not in it. If the mind believes the body is its goal it will distort its perception of the body, and by blocking its own extension beyond it, will induce illness by fostering separation [from the source of all life].....Health is therefore nothing more than united purpose. If the body is brought under the purpose of the mind, it becomes whole because the mind's purpose is one.....The power of wholeness is extension.
(pt. 8 The Body as as Means or End)
You must have noticed an outstanding characteristic of every end that the ego has accepted as its own. When you have achieved it, it has not satisfied you. This is why the ego is forced to shift ceaselessly from one goal to another, so that you cwill continue to hope it can yet offer you something.
Sickness is meaningful only if the two basic premises on which the ego's interpretation of the body rests are true; that the body is for attack, and that you are a body. Without these premses sickness is inconceivable.
[The body is a learning device] A learning device is not a teacher. It cannot tell you how you feel. You do not know how you feel because you have accepted the ego's confusion, and you therefore believe that a learning device can tell you how you feel.....Health is the result of relinquishing all attempts to use the body lovelessly.
****
These passages are next to impossible to separate from religious overtones, which really give them their meaning, so for now I'll stop here and continue to try to live in the Now, or as ACIM states, the Holy Instant. By doing this, the past and future don't exist, and so it is easier to accept others as they come to you now and extend only healing thoughts to them.
"Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all of the barriers within yourself that you have built against it."(Chapt. 16)
Chapter 16 talks all about the Holy Instant and the healing that is extended and returned by your willingness to "[release] your brothers from the slavery of their illusions by forgiving them for the illusions you perceive in them. Thus will you learn that you have been forgiven, for it is you who offered them illusions." Overlook perceived mistakes, let go of the past that condition your perception of someone in the present, and your perception of reality is transformed with this practice. "In the transition there is a period of confusion, in which a sense of actual disorientation may occur. But fear it not,for it means only that you have been willing to let go your hold on the distorted frame of reference that seemed to hold your world together."
"To forgive is merelyto remember only the loving thoughts you gave in the past, and those that were given you. All the rest must be forgotten. Forgiveness is a selective remembering, based not on your selection.....But first, be sure you fully realize what you have made the past to represent, and why. The past becomes the justification for entering into a continuing, unholy alliance with the ego against the present. For the present is forgiveness."
Monday, June 9, 2008
ACIM cont'd
(Chapt.6 - The Lessons of Love)
Teach only love, for that is what you are.
Any concept of punishment involves projection 0f blame, and reinforces the idea that blame is justified. The result is a lesson in blame, for all behaviour teaches the beliefs that motivate it.....what you teach is teaching you, and what you project or extend you believe.
A wise teacher teaches through approach, not avoidance. He does not emphasize what you must avoid to escape from harm, but what you need to learn to have joy.
Everything is accomplished through life, and life is of the mind and in the mind.....If the mind can heal the body, but the body cannot heal the mind, then the mind must be stronger than the body. Every miracle demonstrates this.....there is no order of difficulty in miracles.
The ego uses the body for attack, for pleasure and for pride.
1. To have, give all to all. (.....You learn first that having rests on giving, and not on getting.)
2. To have peace, teach peace to learn it. (.....Next you learn that you learn what you teach, and that you want to learn peace.)
3. Be vigilant only for God and His Kingdom. (.....The third step is thus one of protection for your mind, allowing you to identify only with the center.....The third step, then, is a statement of what you want to believe, and entails a willingness to relinquish everything else.)
(Chapt. 7)
If different abilities are applied long enough to one goal, the abilities themselves become unified. This is because they are channelized in one direction, or in one way. Ultimately, then, they all contribute to one result, and by so doing, their similarity rather than their differences is emphasized.
The law of extension/sharing: .....you give what you value in order to keep it in your mind.
(Chapt. 8)
When you meet anyone, remember it is a holy encounter. As you see him you will see yourself. As you treat him you will treat yourself. As you think of him you will think of yourself.
Never forget this, for in him you will find yourself or lose yourself.
Teach only love, for that is what you are.
Any concept of punishment involves projection 0f blame, and reinforces the idea that blame is justified. The result is a lesson in blame, for all behaviour teaches the beliefs that motivate it.....what you teach is teaching you, and what you project or extend you believe.
A wise teacher teaches through approach, not avoidance. He does not emphasize what you must avoid to escape from harm, but what you need to learn to have joy.
Everything is accomplished through life, and life is of the mind and in the mind.....If the mind can heal the body, but the body cannot heal the mind, then the mind must be stronger than the body. Every miracle demonstrates this.....there is no order of difficulty in miracles.
The ego uses the body for attack, for pleasure and for pride.
1. To have, give all to all. (.....You learn first that having rests on giving, and not on getting.)
2. To have peace, teach peace to learn it. (.....Next you learn that you learn what you teach, and that you want to learn peace.)
3. Be vigilant only for God and His Kingdom. (.....The third step is thus one of protection for your mind, allowing you to identify only with the center.....The third step, then, is a statement of what you want to believe, and entails a willingness to relinquish everything else.)
(Chapt. 7)
If different abilities are applied long enough to one goal, the abilities themselves become unified. This is because they are channelized in one direction, or in one way. Ultimately, then, they all contribute to one result, and by so doing, their similarity rather than their differences is emphasized.
The law of extension/sharing: .....you give what you value in order to keep it in your mind.
(Chapt. 8)
When you meet anyone, remember it is a holy encounter. As you see him you will see yourself. As you treat him you will treat yourself. As you think of him you will think of yourself.
Never forget this, for in him you will find yourself or lose yourself.
From A Course in Miracles
This really is because I need to remember what I've read in ACIM, I've gotten into a bit of a cloud today, I could not remember how to spell "news" the other day no matter how hard I tried (noos, nuise) and these are parts that I've high-lighted. Again, I'm leaving out direct religious content, although personally I can relate to the religious content.
(Chapt.2, VI Fear and Conflict)
The presence of fear shows that you have raised body thoughts to the level of the mind.....The truth is that you are responsible for what you think, because it is only at this level that you can exercise choice. What you do comes from what you think.....You must change your mind, not your behaviour, and this is a matter of willingness. You do not need guidance except at the mind level.....The correction of fear is your responsibility.....You should ask for help in the conditions that have brought the fear about.
(Chapt.3, IV Error and the Ego)
.....The ego is a wrong-minded attempt to perceive yourself as you wish to be, rather than as you are.....you cannot escape from fear until you realize that you did not and could not create yourself.
(Chapt.4,VI This Need Not Be)
(Be vigilant against the demands of the ego).....actively refuse to let your mind slip away. The problem is not one of concentration; it is the belief that no one, including yourself, is worth consistent effort.
(Chapt. 5, Healing and Wholeness) ( This deals with extension, as in the example below of an idea, vs. ego projection and the thought or fear of loss.)
You are being blessed by every beneficent thought of any of your brothers anywhere. You should want to bless them in return, out of gratitude.
.....If you share a physical possession, you do divide its ownership. If you share an idea, however, you do not lessen it. All of it is still yours although all of it has been given away. Further, if the one to whom you give it accepts it as his, he reinforces it in your mind and thus increases it.
(In this way, when you choose only to see the best in someone, overlooking what you feel has been somehow wrong, you heal them and also yourself).
(Chapt.2, VI Fear and Conflict)
The presence of fear shows that you have raised body thoughts to the level of the mind.....The truth is that you are responsible for what you think, because it is only at this level that you can exercise choice. What you do comes from what you think.....You must change your mind, not your behaviour, and this is a matter of willingness. You do not need guidance except at the mind level.....The correction of fear is your responsibility.....You should ask for help in the conditions that have brought the fear about.
(Chapt.3, IV Error and the Ego)
.....The ego is a wrong-minded attempt to perceive yourself as you wish to be, rather than as you are.....you cannot escape from fear until you realize that you did not and could not create yourself.
(Chapt.4,VI This Need Not Be)
(Be vigilant against the demands of the ego).....actively refuse to let your mind slip away. The problem is not one of concentration; it is the belief that no one, including yourself, is worth consistent effort.
(Chapt. 5, Healing and Wholeness) ( This deals with extension, as in the example below of an idea, vs. ego projection and the thought or fear of loss.)
You are being blessed by every beneficent thought of any of your brothers anywhere. You should want to bless them in return, out of gratitude.
.....If you share a physical possession, you do divide its ownership. If you share an idea, however, you do not lessen it. All of it is still yours although all of it has been given away. Further, if the one to whom you give it accepts it as his, he reinforces it in your mind and thus increases it.
(In this way, when you choose only to see the best in someone, overlooking what you feel has been somehow wrong, you heal them and also yourself).
Friday, June 6, 2008
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
Poems
I just dicovered that the poems that are in the first posts here are from Paradise Lost, Book II by John Milton.
Monday, June 2, 2008
New Day
Along with the amitryptaline recommended by my home care nurse, Mike was right when he asked me to accept peripheral neuropathy, numbness and stiffening, as a fact along the way to healing.
This has enabled me to begin walking in the neighbourhood. Of course spring helps this tremendously.
There were many months where I was caught in the runic Isa - stillness. unable to move or sustain a long-standing position due to weakening from chemo. Abdominal infection, complications from chemo, dehydration, the inability to stop crying and calm down. A deep and threatening well of sadness.
I can't express how grateful I am to experience this spring. Even with no idea what this new chemo is doing, I'm so happy to regain some vigor, as well as some dignity.
And freedom: mobility, energy, bravery, acceptance. Growing acceptance. Growing faith and a new perception, most importantly of all.
I hop into and out of fear better now. There are no guarantees and so my life is no longer a transaction -- a contract here, stability there. I am fortunate to have my little piece of the world, and blessed to have financial help from our families. Otherwise, we'd be screwed.
I would ask everyone to build themselves a safety net and to GET SUDDEN ILLNESS INSURANCE. Every single mother and father, every family. I never thought I needed it and so I never had it. GET INSURANCE ON YOUR LOANS. This seemingly insignificant amount per month has saved our asses. Again, we didn't know we needed it but it's completely worthwhile.
And if you are presently incapacitated, please try out the books I've listed for yourself; they've been like a salve for me. The Course in Miracles and The Power of Now go hand in hand, and have really deepened something in me. Love, love love!
Some excerpts from a Course in Miracles:
"In any situation in which you are uncertain, the first thing to consider, very simply, is 'What do I want to come of this? What is it for?' The clarification of the goal belongs at the beginning, for it is this which will determine the outcome."(Chapt. 17, pt. 6)
Healing, healing, healing. That's my goal.
"The value in deciding in advance what you want to happen is simply that you will perceive the situation as a means to make it happen. You will therefore make every effort to overlook what interferes with the accomplishment of your objective, and concentrate on everything that helps you meet it.....The situation now has meaning, but only because the goal has made it meaningful."(Chapt.17, pt.6)
There's more here dealing with the goal of truth and the outcome of peace, and recognizing the outcome because you are at peace.
"[The] situation is as the goal determines it, and is experienced according to the goal.....[You need faith that this will happen] The goal establishes the fact that everyone involved in it will play his part in its accomplishment. This is inevitable. No one will fail in anything.....Your faith must grow to meet the goal that has been set."(Chapt. 17, pt.6)
I'm deliberately downplaying the book's association with Christianity because there is so much in this book that is helpful, regardless of religious faith.
Anyway, I was watching the little birds in our backyard learn to fly in the grass -- flying for a foot and hopping through. There are 5, I think. That's where I'm headed.
This has enabled me to begin walking in the neighbourhood. Of course spring helps this tremendously.
There were many months where I was caught in the runic Isa - stillness. unable to move or sustain a long-standing position due to weakening from chemo. Abdominal infection, complications from chemo, dehydration, the inability to stop crying and calm down. A deep and threatening well of sadness.
I can't express how grateful I am to experience this spring. Even with no idea what this new chemo is doing, I'm so happy to regain some vigor, as well as some dignity.
And freedom: mobility, energy, bravery, acceptance. Growing acceptance. Growing faith and a new perception, most importantly of all.
I hop into and out of fear better now. There are no guarantees and so my life is no longer a transaction -- a contract here, stability there. I am fortunate to have my little piece of the world, and blessed to have financial help from our families. Otherwise, we'd be screwed.
I would ask everyone to build themselves a safety net and to GET SUDDEN ILLNESS INSURANCE. Every single mother and father, every family. I never thought I needed it and so I never had it. GET INSURANCE ON YOUR LOANS. This seemingly insignificant amount per month has saved our asses. Again, we didn't know we needed it but it's completely worthwhile.
And if you are presently incapacitated, please try out the books I've listed for yourself; they've been like a salve for me. The Course in Miracles and The Power of Now go hand in hand, and have really deepened something in me. Love, love love!
Some excerpts from a Course in Miracles:
"In any situation in which you are uncertain, the first thing to consider, very simply, is 'What do I want to come of this? What is it for?' The clarification of the goal belongs at the beginning, for it is this which will determine the outcome."(Chapt. 17, pt. 6)
Healing, healing, healing. That's my goal.
"The value in deciding in advance what you want to happen is simply that you will perceive the situation as a means to make it happen. You will therefore make every effort to overlook what interferes with the accomplishment of your objective, and concentrate on everything that helps you meet it.....The situation now has meaning, but only because the goal has made it meaningful."(Chapt.17, pt.6)
There's more here dealing with the goal of truth and the outcome of peace, and recognizing the outcome because you are at peace.
"[The] situation is as the goal determines it, and is experienced according to the goal.....[You need faith that this will happen] The goal establishes the fact that everyone involved in it will play his part in its accomplishment. This is inevitable. No one will fail in anything.....Your faith must grow to meet the goal that has been set."(Chapt. 17, pt.6)
I'm deliberately downplaying the book's association with Christianity because there is so much in this book that is helpful, regardless of religious faith.
Anyway, I was watching the little birds in our backyard learn to fly in the grass -- flying for a foot and hopping through. There are 5, I think. That's where I'm headed.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
