I had a few glitches happen yesterday after (actually before) the CT scan, whch took until 8:00 to clear up, thanks to my excellent Dr. who called me personally. In any case, the tumors have grown and there's some other stuff going on related to the nephrostomy tube and urine being retained as well as possile ascites on my upper abdomen. I seem to have a calcified node below my navel that Mike and I found. The appointment has been moved from next Wednesday to this Friday, and we'll talk abut new chemo options. It could be bye bye hair again so I'll take some pictures of what I've got.
All of which amounts to: major emotional break down. At least I had a few nights to cuddle up against my mom. Mike's good too. Today I am much more calm beause I woke up well and I have my tatoo appointment at 4:00 and I can't wait.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
A Change is as Good as a Rest
Just came back from the most beautiful place on Earth - my cottage - feeling, like with a sunrise, I "stole a moment of paradise" as some wise Sikh (I don't remember who) said.
Anyway, my abdomen is still quite distended, although tender, not fluidy (I hope). CT scan tomorrow, tattoo Thursday, maybe more cottage Thursday night for a few days. I'm so scared these days, but thank God for Atavan!
Anyway, my abdomen is still quite distended, although tender, not fluidy (I hope). CT scan tomorrow, tattoo Thursday, maybe more cottage Thursday night for a few days. I'm so scared these days, but thank God for Atavan!
Saturday, July 26, 2008
Excerpts from an Ekhart Tolle interview
Interview at Omega Institute / Fall 2003
Interview By: Josh Max
JM: I was also struck by your interpretation of the cross as a symbol of "thy will be done".
ET: It's a strange dualistic symbol. Basically, it's a torture instrument. To me, Jesus stands for humanity. So this man is nailed to the torture instrument, totally helpless, in deep suffering. At that point comes total surrender to what is. "Not my will, but thy will be done." At that point, the symbolic significance of the cross is changed from being a torture instrument to a symbol of the divine.
So what it points to is that the very thing that seems to stand in the way of realizing who you are. The very suffering that comes with being here in this physical realm---because eventually some form of suffering comes to everybody---can become an opening into that which we call the divine.
If you're lucky, disaster comes before the physical form is lost and the psychological form dissolves. This sometimes happens through extreme suffering, when people lose everything, or they find out they don't have much more time to live. So they are faced with extreme disaster which cannot be explained away.
[Quick aside here: This is where I find myself]
Philosophies collapse in the face of extreme disaster. Before, they might have had philosophy or religious beliefs, but when quite a few people face death of a loved one or their child or spouse, suddenly they question their beliefs. "This wasn't supposed to happen to me, I had a business arrangement with God. I wasn't supposed to suffer."
The mind, the "me", collapses. Explanations fade. So you're faced with disaster you cannot explain that seems to deny the existence of something deeper. The cross seems to stand between you and the transcendental dimension to love. But, strangely, that very cross is the opening also.
Somebody once put it this way: "What stands in the way is the way." And you realize that when you no longer internally resist the form that this moment takes. I call it the "is-ness" of this moment.
....
JM: I was also struck by your interpretation of the cross as a symbol of "thy will be done".
ET: It's a strange dualistic symbol. Basically, it's a torture instrument. To me, Jesus stands for humanity. So this man is nailed to the torture instrument, totally helpless, in deep suffering. At that point comes total surrender to what is. "Not my will, but thy will be done." At that point, the symbolic significance of the cross is changed from being a torture instrument to a symbol of the divine. So what it points to is that the very thing that seems to stand in the way of realizing who you are.
The very suffering that comes with being here in this physical realm---because eventually some form of suffering comes to everybody---can become an opening into that which we call the divine. If you're lucky, disaster comes before the physical form is lost and the psychological form dissolves. This sometimes happens through extreme suffering, when people lose everything, or they find out they don't have much more time to live. So they are faced with extreme disaster which cannot be explained away.
Philosophies collapse in the face of extreme disaster. Before, they might have had philosophy or religious beliefs, but when quite a few people face death of a loved one or their child or spouse, suddenly they question their beliefs. "This wasn't supposed to happen to me, I had a business arrangement with God. I wasn't supposed to suffer." The mind, the "me", collapses. Explanations fade. So you're faced with disaster you cannot explain that seems to deny the existence of something deeper. The cross seems to stand between you and the transcendental dimension to love. But, strangely, that very cross is the opening also.
Somebody once put it this way: "What stands in the way is the way." And you realize that when you no longer internally resist the form that this moment takes. I call it the "is-ness" of this moment.
JM: Would that be disaster or the honk of a horn while I'm trying to work?
ET: Yes. A little thing or a big thing, resistance is basically the same kind of mechanism. An internal "no" to what is. And since the now is all there ever is in your life, your entire life unfolds as the present moment. People don't realize it, but all they ever have is "this". This moment. Always.
It seems so strange to put it into words. Your life is always this moment. No more, no less. But just "this" is what most people unconsciously trying to run away from. They're always in some future moment where things are hopefully better, or more fulfilling. Or mentally they project a future moment they see as fearful, that they have to tackle this possible thing that might go wrong in the future and they try to deal with now.
Ignoring the aliveness that is actually there concealed in now. It is a collective mental habit to run away, to deny and to resist the is-ness of this moment. Not to aligned with now. And everybody inherits that as a part of their collective mental conditioning. They're taught to live like that from their parents, from their schools. They probably inherit even the very minds structures that create that kind of consciousness.
But there's a shift happening in humanity, a shift in consciousness, happening now because it has to happen now. Because if it doesn't happen now, mankind probably won't survive. The dysfunction of the human mind and its condition is becoming more and more intolerable to the planet, and to humanity. People can't live with themselves much longer. The planet cannot live with humans much longer! The dysfunction has become so magnified through technology.
Interview By: Josh Max
JM: I was also struck by your interpretation of the cross as a symbol of "thy will be done".
ET: It's a strange dualistic symbol. Basically, it's a torture instrument. To me, Jesus stands for humanity. So this man is nailed to the torture instrument, totally helpless, in deep suffering. At that point comes total surrender to what is. "Not my will, but thy will be done." At that point, the symbolic significance of the cross is changed from being a torture instrument to a symbol of the divine.
So what it points to is that the very thing that seems to stand in the way of realizing who you are. The very suffering that comes with being here in this physical realm---because eventually some form of suffering comes to everybody---can become an opening into that which we call the divine.
If you're lucky, disaster comes before the physical form is lost and the psychological form dissolves. This sometimes happens through extreme suffering, when people lose everything, or they find out they don't have much more time to live. So they are faced with extreme disaster which cannot be explained away.
[Quick aside here: This is where I find myself]
Philosophies collapse in the face of extreme disaster. Before, they might have had philosophy or religious beliefs, but when quite a few people face death of a loved one or their child or spouse, suddenly they question their beliefs. "This wasn't supposed to happen to me, I had a business arrangement with God. I wasn't supposed to suffer."
The mind, the "me", collapses. Explanations fade. So you're faced with disaster you cannot explain that seems to deny the existence of something deeper. The cross seems to stand between you and the transcendental dimension to love. But, strangely, that very cross is the opening also.
Somebody once put it this way: "What stands in the way is the way." And you realize that when you no longer internally resist the form that this moment takes. I call it the "is-ness" of this moment.
....
JM: I was also struck by your interpretation of the cross as a symbol of "thy will be done".
ET: It's a strange dualistic symbol. Basically, it's a torture instrument. To me, Jesus stands for humanity. So this man is nailed to the torture instrument, totally helpless, in deep suffering. At that point comes total surrender to what is. "Not my will, but thy will be done." At that point, the symbolic significance of the cross is changed from being a torture instrument to a symbol of the divine. So what it points to is that the very thing that seems to stand in the way of realizing who you are.
The very suffering that comes with being here in this physical realm---because eventually some form of suffering comes to everybody---can become an opening into that which we call the divine. If you're lucky, disaster comes before the physical form is lost and the psychological form dissolves. This sometimes happens through extreme suffering, when people lose everything, or they find out they don't have much more time to live. So they are faced with extreme disaster which cannot be explained away.
Philosophies collapse in the face of extreme disaster. Before, they might have had philosophy or religious beliefs, but when quite a few people face death of a loved one or their child or spouse, suddenly they question their beliefs. "This wasn't supposed to happen to me, I had a business arrangement with God. I wasn't supposed to suffer." The mind, the "me", collapses. Explanations fade. So you're faced with disaster you cannot explain that seems to deny the existence of something deeper. The cross seems to stand between you and the transcendental dimension to love. But, strangely, that very cross is the opening also.
Somebody once put it this way: "What stands in the way is the way." And you realize that when you no longer internally resist the form that this moment takes. I call it the "is-ness" of this moment.
JM: Would that be disaster or the honk of a horn while I'm trying to work?
ET: Yes. A little thing or a big thing, resistance is basically the same kind of mechanism. An internal "no" to what is. And since the now is all there ever is in your life, your entire life unfolds as the present moment. People don't realize it, but all they ever have is "this". This moment. Always.
It seems so strange to put it into words. Your life is always this moment. No more, no less. But just "this" is what most people unconsciously trying to run away from. They're always in some future moment where things are hopefully better, or more fulfilling. Or mentally they project a future moment they see as fearful, that they have to tackle this possible thing that might go wrong in the future and they try to deal with now.
Ignoring the aliveness that is actually there concealed in now. It is a collective mental habit to run away, to deny and to resist the is-ness of this moment. Not to aligned with now. And everybody inherits that as a part of their collective mental conditioning. They're taught to live like that from their parents, from their schools. They probably inherit even the very minds structures that create that kind of consciousness.
But there's a shift happening in humanity, a shift in consciousness, happening now because it has to happen now. Because if it doesn't happen now, mankind probably won't survive. The dysfunction of the human mind and its condition is becoming more and more intolerable to the planet, and to humanity. People can't live with themselves much longer. The planet cannot live with humans much longer! The dysfunction has become so magnified through technology.
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
The Dr. didn't think that there's fluid in my abdomen (ascites - carries shedding tumor pieces around the abdominal cavity), but rather an infection, so we're treating it with antibiotics and have a ct scan scheduled for next Wednesday. Thank God! Also I have new meds for the neuropathy, and no constipation as a side effect. This was all so eerily familiar but instead yay it's possibly an infection!
Sunday, July 20, 2008
Parallels ACIM and Eckhart Tolle's A New Earth
Here is a rather long excerpt from A New Earth, which is essentially exactly what A Course in Miracles says is the way to heal; by healing others, we heal ourselves. By overlooking others' confused behaviour and recognizing it as their illusion, we help them to heal.
(Chapter: The Core of Ego)
"Resentment is the emotion that goes with complaining and the mental labeling of people and adds even more energy to the ego. Resentment means to feel bitter, indignant, aggrieved, or offended. You resent other people's greed, their dishonesty, their lack of integrity, what they are doing, what they did in the past, what they said, what they failed to do, what they should or shouldn't have done. The ego loves it. Instead of overlooking unconsciousness in others, you make it into their identity. Who is doing that? The unconsciousness in you, the ego. Sometimes the "fault" that you perceive in another isn't even there. It is a total misinterpretation, a projection by a mind conditioned to see enemies and to make itself right or superior. At other times, the fault may be there, but by focusing on it, sometimes to the exclusion of everything else, you amplify it. And what you react to in another, you strengthen in yourself.
Nonreaction to the ego in others is one of the most effective ways not only of going beyond the ego in yourself but also of dissolving the collective human ego. But you can only be in a state of nonreaction if you can recognize someone's behaviour as coming from the ego, as being an expression of the collective human dysfunction. When you realize it's not personal, there is no longer a compulsion to react as if it were. By not reacting to the ego, you will often be able to bring out the sanity in others, which is the unconditioned consciousness as opposed to the conditioned. At times you may have to take practical steps to protect yourself from deeply unconscious people. This you can do without making them enemies. Your greatest protection, however, is being conscious. Somebody becomes an enemy if you personalize the unconsciousness that is the ego. Nonreaction is not weakness but strength. Another word for nonreaction is forgiveness. To forgive is to overlook, or rather to look through. You look through the ego to the sanity that is in every human being as his or her essence."
Exactly what ACIM says: to forgive is to overlook, to overlook is to heal another, to heal another is to heal yourself.
The one thing that I struggle with in all of the reading that I do is the suggestion that we cause our own illnesses. This is explained to me through ACIM that the body is a learning tool. It cannot of itself make decisions, or feel emotions. The ego uses the body for pleasure, pride, and (I think) punishment. The mind is what directs the body, and a sick mind, a mind divided against itself, is under the illusion that the ego is the "I am" and not the mind itself. When you heal your mind, through forgiveness (extension) and correction of errors in perception, and are no longer subject to your ego, your body is healed also. This I can accept, but I wish I was one of those people immediately enlightened and healed in times of great strife.
Also, I have struggles with fear, fearing not, working through fear, accepting fear, and all of that. Healing can't happen when fear is present, so things are a bit difficult here.
If anyone can help me here, please let me know. Use the comments spot to talk.
(Chapter: The Core of Ego)
"Resentment is the emotion that goes with complaining and the mental labeling of people and adds even more energy to the ego. Resentment means to feel bitter, indignant, aggrieved, or offended. You resent other people's greed, their dishonesty, their lack of integrity, what they are doing, what they did in the past, what they said, what they failed to do, what they should or shouldn't have done. The ego loves it. Instead of overlooking unconsciousness in others, you make it into their identity. Who is doing that? The unconsciousness in you, the ego. Sometimes the "fault" that you perceive in another isn't even there. It is a total misinterpretation, a projection by a mind conditioned to see enemies and to make itself right or superior. At other times, the fault may be there, but by focusing on it, sometimes to the exclusion of everything else, you amplify it. And what you react to in another, you strengthen in yourself.
Nonreaction to the ego in others is one of the most effective ways not only of going beyond the ego in yourself but also of dissolving the collective human ego. But you can only be in a state of nonreaction if you can recognize someone's behaviour as coming from the ego, as being an expression of the collective human dysfunction. When you realize it's not personal, there is no longer a compulsion to react as if it were. By not reacting to the ego, you will often be able to bring out the sanity in others, which is the unconditioned consciousness as opposed to the conditioned. At times you may have to take practical steps to protect yourself from deeply unconscious people. This you can do without making them enemies. Your greatest protection, however, is being conscious. Somebody becomes an enemy if you personalize the unconsciousness that is the ego. Nonreaction is not weakness but strength. Another word for nonreaction is forgiveness. To forgive is to overlook, or rather to look through. You look through the ego to the sanity that is in every human being as his or her essence."
Exactly what ACIM says: to forgive is to overlook, to overlook is to heal another, to heal another is to heal yourself.
The one thing that I struggle with in all of the reading that I do is the suggestion that we cause our own illnesses. This is explained to me through ACIM that the body is a learning tool. It cannot of itself make decisions, or feel emotions. The ego uses the body for pleasure, pride, and (I think) punishment. The mind is what directs the body, and a sick mind, a mind divided against itself, is under the illusion that the ego is the "I am" and not the mind itself. When you heal your mind, through forgiveness (extension) and correction of errors in perception, and are no longer subject to your ego, your body is healed also. This I can accept, but I wish I was one of those people immediately enlightened and healed in times of great strife.
Also, I have struggles with fear, fearing not, working through fear, accepting fear, and all of that. Healing can't happen when fear is present, so things are a bit difficult here.
If anyone can help me here, please let me know. Use the comments spot to talk.
Friday, July 18, 2008
The latest development is now a swelling of my belly, thinking that maybe it's digestive issues, but this is how it all began. I'm praying that it's nothing, as it gets bigger, and I'm hoping that it's caused by gas. When I lie down it expands or weighs down my middle and when I sit up, it feels solid. I really can't sleep.
Monday, July 14, 2008
wall
I seem to have hit this point where nothing is right and there's nothing that can be done or that I can do to change how I feel. I've gone off the "serious" reading for too long, maybe. I think that the disappointment of not going or knowing about my old job is quite painful. I think that this has been going on for a long time now and keeping hopeful is becoming an art form in and of itself. If I visit with people I don't feel like talking about the cancer and I don't feel that visiting is the same anymore, because I am always too aware that I have cancer. Part of me is so happy to have hair and eyelashes again so that I can pass as "normal" and I look healthy from the outside, and another part of me is sick of the neuropathy, the digestion issues, the lack of sleep, etc., etc.,. Keeping it together has been hard these past 2 weeks for some reason. I'm going to take a hint from Edmund and sit with my face toward the sun, listening to the birds.
Thursday, July 10, 2008
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