This link is from my friend Cindy.
http://www.yourlifestylecenter.com/articles/a_cry/a_cry_for_cooperation.html
It is a good article about managing/coping with the disease, in the author's case: breast cancer.
Just a reminder for everyone out there to get extended health/ sudden illness/ critical illness insurance if you do not have it, and insurance on any loans you may have. May you never need to use it! xox
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Friday, August 22, 2008
Amazing
This new hypnotherapist was amazing! I feel very positive and rejeuvinated by our session. For anyone out there in need of positive reinforcement, pumping up or anything, I recommend this therapy, but be sure to find the right therapist. Mine offered a free 1/2 hr. consultation (the dissociation check - luckily she asked no questions about cream) and also a CD of our actual session. Previously I went to a therapist who offered 1 + 1/2 hr. initial session + fee for extra 1/2 hr., no record of session but a CD for meditation made after the session. I guess they do what they have to but my new one ROCKS!!!!! If anyone would like her name -- she's in Guelph -- just let me know in the comments section. Also, I have adjusted to my hair loss better than anticipated. I haven't shaved it down this time so underneath the bandana I look like the giant tweety bird after his jeckyl and hyde meds if you know what I mean.
Something new this week too: I've been going to the beautiful Our Lady of Lourdes or Church of Our Lady to pray and sit quietly. This is calming and really there's such a sense of peace in that church and perspective because it's so huge that it's difficult to feel alone if you're feeling blue like me yesterday, or it's a great place to go if you want to share good energy like I did today.
xox
Something new this week too: I've been going to the beautiful Our Lady of Lourdes or Church of Our Lady to pray and sit quietly. This is calming and really there's such a sense of peace in that church and perspective because it's so huge that it's difficult to feel alone if you're feeling blue like me yesterday, or it's a great place to go if you want to share good energy like I did today.
xox
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Me, me, me.....
Got passport photos 2 days ago, Dr.'s appt. yesterday: no options but chemo now (no operation, stem cell, etc.) Many tumors in abdomen, some the size of oranges. radiation would start below my boobs and down to my pubic bone and would fry my organs and small colon. Told Dr. I didn't want a prognosis and he said that they are always difficult to determine in any case.
Bandana is ON the head, folks, and today I will hide out in the back yard, cut the grass, paint the cold frame, alternately rage and pray and cry like a baby. This chemo has seemed to decrease the size of some tumors. All come from the same Space Cancer cells. We can still plan a week long get away to a tropical paradise instead of Germany, or wherever, for "treatments" now. Thus far. This may change. Getting wills ready, but this has been in the works for a while and my whole family has been getting theirs done since no one had any.
I do need to know from girlfriends, if you're reading this site, if I have any more friends withhout knuckles or who for some crazy reason refuse to wear jewellery; what type you do wear; and you must know you're crazy if you don't. But beautiful.
I am almost done 3 Cups of Tea (so, so, so good), almost done ACIM, and have put Eckhart Tolle down for a bit because I need to concentrate better on his writing when I read. My concentration needs help; I went to nuke my coffee yesterday and found the 10% cream had been in the in the microwave over day/night. I promptly blamed Mike for putting it there, and ultimately had to come to the sad realization that it was me and chemo brain.
Time to wake the neighbours with the lawnmower. Quick Honourable mention for a neighbour around the block: There are BEES coming to our garden, thanks to his innovation at raising bees in his backyard! Also, the NEIGHBOUHOOD GARDEN is beautiful right now, as it has been through all of its stages, but it's particularily tall now.
Also, I have put up a small sign on our boulevard directing people where to step when they park there, so that they don't end up sticking their walker in a 2 foot mound of dirt and plants. So far, and this has been almost a week now, not one person has pulled the car forward enough to let the poor passenger out onto stepping stones far away from the mucky hazard. Maybe they think the sign says don't step here?
Days: 6, Parkers: 0. I will keep an on-going score card. And I'm usually home, checking,
Bandana is ON the head, folks, and today I will hide out in the back yard, cut the grass, paint the cold frame, alternately rage and pray and cry like a baby. This chemo has seemed to decrease the size of some tumors. All come from the same Space Cancer cells. We can still plan a week long get away to a tropical paradise instead of Germany, or wherever, for "treatments" now. Thus far. This may change. Getting wills ready, but this has been in the works for a while and my whole family has been getting theirs done since no one had any.
I do need to know from girlfriends, if you're reading this site, if I have any more friends withhout knuckles or who for some crazy reason refuse to wear jewellery; what type you do wear; and you must know you're crazy if you don't. But beautiful.
I am almost done 3 Cups of Tea (so, so, so good), almost done ACIM, and have put Eckhart Tolle down for a bit because I need to concentrate better on his writing when I read. My concentration needs help; I went to nuke my coffee yesterday and found the 10% cream had been in the in the microwave over day/night. I promptly blamed Mike for putting it there, and ultimately had to come to the sad realization that it was me and chemo brain.
Time to wake the neighbours with the lawnmower. Quick Honourable mention for a neighbour around the block: There are BEES coming to our garden, thanks to his innovation at raising bees in his backyard! Also, the NEIGHBOUHOOD GARDEN is beautiful right now, as it has been through all of its stages, but it's particularily tall now.
Also, I have put up a small sign on our boulevard directing people where to step when they park there, so that they don't end up sticking their walker in a 2 foot mound of dirt and plants. So far, and this has been almost a week now, not one person has pulled the car forward enough to let the poor passenger out onto stepping stones far away from the mucky hazard. Maybe they think the sign says don't step here?
Days: 6, Parkers: 0. I will keep an on-going score card. And I'm usually home, checking,
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Hope this doesn't happen to you...
Here goes my hair again. I was really flipping out about it but Mike calmed me down. I feel I'm forcing the calm a bit but I still have actually quite a bit of hair. It will be when I have to put the bandana on again that I'll be at the breaking point. I'll get a passport photo "just in case" while I still have some hair.
Took a dissociation test for my new hypnotherapist and hypnotherapy sessions. Some of the questions were quite strange:
Have you ever been dressed in the morning and have no recollection of how you got dressed?
Have you ever been driving somewhere and have no recollection of how you got there?
Do you spend time in a place in your imagination?
What percentage of time do you spend in your imagined place?
(I don't know about you, but we have a small Jasmine plant that's blooming right now, and every time I smell the blooms I am taken right back to our apartment/room in Bangkok, and I would gladly spend 60% of my time thinking about that in 10 minutes.)
The joy meter is fighting a real balance to stay active in my perspective i.e. looking at the pretty shed that I've just painted, knowing that the front of the house where I've painted looks just as good, seeing a hummingbird in the back yard and being posed some interesting questions by a "new" person all because I can walk around and drive and communicate and have stamina and think and grow vs. losing my hair again.
Do you hear voices?
What percentage of the time are you suicidal?
Do you ever find something in your house which was a purchase you have no recollection of making?
Do you ever stand beside yourself and look at yourself and not know who you are?
Have you ever looked at yourself in the mirror and not known who you were?
Have you ever been somewhere and not known how you got there?
Do you talk to yourself?
What percentage of the time do you talk to yourself?
Took a dissociation test for my new hypnotherapist and hypnotherapy sessions. Some of the questions were quite strange:
Have you ever been dressed in the morning and have no recollection of how you got dressed?
Have you ever been driving somewhere and have no recollection of how you got there?
Do you spend time in a place in your imagination?
What percentage of time do you spend in your imagined place?
(I don't know about you, but we have a small Jasmine plant that's blooming right now, and every time I smell the blooms I am taken right back to our apartment/room in Bangkok, and I would gladly spend 60% of my time thinking about that in 10 minutes.)
The joy meter is fighting a real balance to stay active in my perspective i.e. looking at the pretty shed that I've just painted, knowing that the front of the house where I've painted looks just as good, seeing a hummingbird in the back yard and being posed some interesting questions by a "new" person all because I can walk around and drive and communicate and have stamina and think and grow vs. losing my hair again.
Do you hear voices?
What percentage of the time are you suicidal?
Do you ever find something in your house which was a purchase you have no recollection of making?
Do you ever stand beside yourself and look at yourself and not know who you are?
Have you ever looked at yourself in the mirror and not known who you were?
Have you ever been somewhere and not known how you got there?
Do you talk to yourself?
What percentage of the time do you talk to yourself?
Monday, August 18, 2008
Three Cups Of Tea
This book is wonderful, inspirational, and full of things that are meant to be. This provides a great break from worry and intense focus and denial and responsibility and all of those things. xox
Thursday, August 14, 2008
The Hospice
I have been waking up for the last 3 days with my first thought being the lyrics and music of an Under the Pink Tori Amos song "...there's something believing, instead of just leaving..." which has been a great way to wake up and I hope that it continues. I went to the hospice to try their Wednesday relaxation program, and it really was great. I'll continue to go if I can. Unfortunately there were no men there, which would provide a different balance than I've experienced through all of this. Or, maybe for them, it's fortunate! I do not know.
The Tibetan singing bowl meditations have been great, too, and so far they seem to last about 10 minutes. I don't know if they'll get longer but I'll let you know. I lost my ACIM, ordered another one, and found my copy again. I've taken a loooong break from it and I'm almost done. That's new behaviour. I do have a new book, unrelated to healing, but still biographical , called Three Cups of Tea: One Man's Mission to Promote Peace...One School at a Time, by Greg Mortenson and David Oliver Relin. My friend Shawna recommended it to me and it's about a climber (K2 in this book) who doesn't make it to the summit, saves another climber, and then his life just changes course dramatially. I love climbing books, love biographies, and need to hear about someone's simple but extraordinary life right now, so this is what I'm reading. As well I love everyone's comments, which I appreciate so much, and thank you, because like the books or little coincidences like songs or birds, they're always thought provoking or welcomed! I also entered Serene in the Humane Society calendar contest; Mike and I always said she would win a cat show, so at 15 years old, in she goes. Miss July!
The Tibetan singing bowl meditations have been great, too, and so far they seem to last about 10 minutes. I don't know if they'll get longer but I'll let you know. I lost my ACIM, ordered another one, and found my copy again. I've taken a loooong break from it and I'm almost done. That's new behaviour. I do have a new book, unrelated to healing, but still biographical , called Three Cups of Tea: One Man's Mission to Promote Peace...One School at a Time, by Greg Mortenson and David Oliver Relin. My friend Shawna recommended it to me and it's about a climber (K2 in this book) who doesn't make it to the summit, saves another climber, and then his life just changes course dramatially. I love climbing books, love biographies, and need to hear about someone's simple but extraordinary life right now, so this is what I'm reading. As well I love everyone's comments, which I appreciate so much, and thank you, because like the books or little coincidences like songs or birds, they're always thought provoking or welcomed! I also entered Serene in the Humane Society calendar contest; Mike and I always said she would win a cat show, so at 15 years old, in she goes. Miss July!
Monday, August 11, 2008
wills, battles of, need for, etc., death
Now that I'm thinking again of death, because of the nature of this collection of tumors, as well as their location, I'm going to write about what's hurting. I'm not ready to go. I have so many that I love here. The last time I was really thinking of Death was before Christmas, when everything was really close to it, it seemed. So many hospital stays and such rapid weakness.
Again, I find myself at the same place, thinking that I really truly finally decided that I had it together, at least on the outside, at least some security - job, finances, house, control. Then swish goes the carpet. Then swish again. I just do not want to die now. I do not. I love those I love so deeply now. Really most things do not bother me. I'm trying to forgive as I go along, and I'm really only stuck on one or two people.
I do realize that the physical pain is different this time. The deep tumors (3) I'm not aware of; the smaller ones are obvious. I don't want to die this year. I want to die when I'm 80 or older, not now. I think that I'm working so hard on creating a miracle then I forget to pray for a few days.
I don't feel smart enough for this.
All the beauty there is.
So much to learn and appreciate and see.
All the kindness.
I like what Mike and I have created together.
I really like who Mike is.
I really love Mike.
I really love our cats.
I love our families.
I love my friends.
I like my neighbours.
I love my town.
I love my little wrinkled face and my fluffy hair
and the way that I love God.
I really like giving gifts, now
and watching the things that I say.
I pay greater attention to detail for 5 seconds
then I forget.
I need waaaaaaay more time.
I remember Pat's wisdom and fashion my healing meditations/visualizations after hers, forgetting some parts sometimes.
Death to me is just a great big no-go.
These are the things that hurt. There are others I know who are hurting and my thoughts and prayers are with you. But truly a lot of my thoughts and prayers are with me, and thanking those who have prayed for me or thought of me.
My Dr. hasn't really discussed my tumors with me, because I think the situation is pretty bad.
It doesn't feel like it's lookin' good. Kind of like having a fabulous tan, looking great, eating well, and sinking in quick sand.
Love really is the thing, you know. It has been, all along. It's awful how we misplace it or ignore it or mistreat it or hoard it. Hide from it.
So with sheer determination and will power, I plan to live this year, and next year, take whatever chemo they give me, tests, etc., etc..
I hopefully will not fall into the shadow of depression and sorrow, but will trust to my developing religious leanings.
With imagined centrifugal force, I will not listen to my ego but rather the I behind the I. Instead of being blue I will stick like glue to life.
I will practice ACIM.
My Tibetan singing bowl and meditation I will do every day.
I will not do sit ups. yick.
With sheer determination and will power and God's love, my goal is to live. My faith must grow to meet the goal.
Again, I find myself at the same place, thinking that I really truly finally decided that I had it together, at least on the outside, at least some security - job, finances, house, control. Then swish goes the carpet. Then swish again. I just do not want to die now. I do not. I love those I love so deeply now. Really most things do not bother me. I'm trying to forgive as I go along, and I'm really only stuck on one or two people.
I do realize that the physical pain is different this time. The deep tumors (3) I'm not aware of; the smaller ones are obvious. I don't want to die this year. I want to die when I'm 80 or older, not now. I think that I'm working so hard on creating a miracle then I forget to pray for a few days.
I don't feel smart enough for this.
All the beauty there is.
So much to learn and appreciate and see.
All the kindness.
I like what Mike and I have created together.
I really like who Mike is.
I really love Mike.
I really love our cats.
I love our families.
I love my friends.
I like my neighbours.
I love my town.
I love my little wrinkled face and my fluffy hair
and the way that I love God.
I really like giving gifts, now
and watching the things that I say.
I pay greater attention to detail for 5 seconds
then I forget.
I need waaaaaaay more time.
I remember Pat's wisdom and fashion my healing meditations/visualizations after hers, forgetting some parts sometimes.
Death to me is just a great big no-go.
These are the things that hurt. There are others I know who are hurting and my thoughts and prayers are with you. But truly a lot of my thoughts and prayers are with me, and thanking those who have prayed for me or thought of me.
My Dr. hasn't really discussed my tumors with me, because I think the situation is pretty bad.
It doesn't feel like it's lookin' good. Kind of like having a fabulous tan, looking great, eating well, and sinking in quick sand.
Love really is the thing, you know. It has been, all along. It's awful how we misplace it or ignore it or mistreat it or hoard it. Hide from it.
So with sheer determination and will power, I plan to live this year, and next year, take whatever chemo they give me, tests, etc., etc..
I hopefully will not fall into the shadow of depression and sorrow, but will trust to my developing religious leanings.
With imagined centrifugal force, I will not listen to my ego but rather the I behind the I. Instead of being blue I will stick like glue to life.
I will practice ACIM.
My Tibetan singing bowl and meditation I will do every day.
I will not do sit ups. yick.
With sheer determination and will power and God's love, my goal is to live. My faith must grow to meet the goal.
Sunday, August 10, 2008
Done and done
Well, my kick-ass urologist Dr. internalized 2 stents, no problems, thus fixing part of me and increasing my quality of life. Everyone there was great, and I was out the whole time. Supurb!
Thursday, August 7, 2008
Pre-op
Today I head to Hamilton Hospital for pre-op tests, such as x-ray and ultrasound, to see if the nephrostomy tube has slipped, and I suppose to deal with fluid build up. I'm trying to attune my abdomen to my healing mind which is a relaxing pursuit, and I'm trying to keep fear at bay which feels like practicing denial more than anything else. My feet this past weekend were blown up like beaver tails, but they've shrunk now, and they're tingly. I still have about 2 inches of hair, which I adore, but soon it's back to the bandanas and my pirate ways. I went under the water at the cottage in homage to the Dr.s who internalized the nephrostomy tube so that I could do just that.
Saturday, August 2, 2008
For Friends
For my friends who are upset and are afraid that I don't want to talk about these new developments, fear not, I will talk to you about these new developments if you want to.
Love straight to You from Me xoxoxox
Love straight to You from Me xoxoxox
Friday, August 1, 2008
Not too many words at this point
First, here's our tattoos.
Me: Oops, wrong pix
I'll try again. But here's some hair that the new meds will be clearing away in the next 3 weeks so I will be bald again. My Dr. is doing his best to fight what I have, and you will see that shortly.
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