Ugh

"How do you feel about death?" the new kind of physical therapist asks.
"I don't like it," I say.
"Maybe you need to explore your feelings about death."
Maybe not, I think, but the door has been opened. The stones I so carefully placed at the decayed door, beautifully set and rising so high, start falling apart. Those big, thick boulders I rolled against that festering surface just crumble to dust.
And now I'm so angry I hardly know how to express myself without betraying the rage I so righteously feel against the intruder. Inside I draw my tattered sword and look with withered hope to my patched up armour, like a dirty quilt. And there goes my strength again, running arm-in-arm away with my sneaky courage. Being egged on by my motivation, who I see way off in the distance. We all want to run away from the big, nasty door. But now I have to stay. I'll have to round those comerades up later, again, like before, and before and before.
I tell her that we do not have to explore death, that I have someone else for that, and that we need not go there. I should have told her that death, to me, to many others, is not a theory. It's not the shoulder shrugging "we all have to face it someday" foe. It is the Life or Death foe. The Now or Never foe. It is Death. It needs a brave and sturdy foe itself. Death would walk all over you if you let it.

Happy New Year

New Year!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! A hopeful new outlook devloping.
I've been keeping a giant journal of sorts, and for January I've done a review of December.
My hope is to become busier with meaningful activity, and perhaps purposeful work.
I have just finished the last cycle of this chemo, which has been doing a great trick, and after an up-coming heart test we'll figure out the next step.
I have a shadow of hair on my head, the neuropathy seems to be fading out a bit.

Best things of the last year that have helped me toward healing:

Therapy with my Guide/Teacher: She is leading me to the right places. Absolutely.

Hypnotherapy: Even though I am not now doing this regularly, I have recorded sessions on to the computer and occasionally use these for visualization and meditation.

Reading: All of the books listed here. And others, specifically Edgar Cayce as a recent reintroduction for perspective that I find very helpful.

Relationships: All of these have been altered, somehow. These feel much healthier, loving, and valued. The more that I pay attention to my interactions with others, the clearer things are.

Mike, Mike, Mike: Unbelievable love and support. I'm so lucky.

Family: ditto, and included also in relationships.

What has amazed me the whole way along, starting at the beginning, is the way in which I've been placed with the best Dr.s and professionals for me at each moment and at each transition. Also, I have stepped in when things weren't going well and altered those situations for the better by actively doing something to change the situation.

I loved the Christmas cards this year, making cookies and getting the tree. Making decisions without guilt and having things turn out just fine.

Learning to work with fear. Feeling peaceful in the midst of fear. Having a feeling of peace and faith trump fear. Learning about becoming patient.

So much.