New Day

Along with the amitryptaline recommended by my home care nurse, Mike was right when he asked me to accept peripheral neuropathy, numbness and stiffening, as a fact along the way to healing.
This has enabled me to begin walking in the neighbourhood. Of course spring helps this tremendously.
There were many months where I was caught in the runic Isa - stillness. unable to move or sustain a long-standing position due to weakening from chemo. Abdominal infection, complications from chemo, dehydration, the inability to stop crying and calm down. A deep and threatening well of sadness.
I can't express how grateful I am to experience this spring. Even with no idea what this new chemo is doing, I'm so happy to regain some vigor, as well as some dignity.
And freedom: mobility, energy, bravery, acceptance. Growing acceptance. Growing faith and a new perception, most importantly of all.
I hop into and out of fear better now. There are no guarantees and so my life is no longer a transaction -- a contract here, stability there. I am fortunate to have my little piece of the world, and blessed to have financial help from our families. Otherwise, we'd be screwed.
I would ask everyone to build themselves a safety net and to GET SUDDEN ILLNESS INSURANCE. Every single mother and father, every family. I never thought I needed it and so I never had it. GET INSURANCE ON YOUR LOANS. This seemingly insignificant amount per month has saved our asses. Again, we didn't know we needed it but it's completely worthwhile.
And if you are presently incapacitated, please try out the books I've listed for yourself; they've been like a salve for me. The Course in Miracles and The Power of Now go hand in hand, and have really deepened something in me. Love, love love!
Some excerpts from a Course in Miracles:

"In any situation in which you are uncertain, the first thing to consider, very simply, is 'What do I want to come of this? What is it for?' The clarification of the goal belongs at the beginning, for it is this which will determine the outcome."(Chapt. 17, pt. 6)

Healing, healing, healing. That's my goal.

"The value in deciding in advance what you want to happen is simply that you will perceive the situation as a means to make it happen. You will therefore make every effort to overlook what interferes with the accomplishment of your objective, and concentrate on everything that helps you meet it.....The situation now has meaning, but only because the goal has made it meaningful."(Chapt.17, pt.6)

There's more here dealing with the goal of truth and the outcome of peace, and recognizing the outcome because you are at peace.

"[The] situation is as the goal determines it, and is experienced according to the goal.....[You need faith that this will happen] The goal establishes the fact that everyone involved in it will play his part in its accomplishment. This is inevitable. No one will fail in anything.....Your faith must grow to meet the goal that has been set."(Chapt. 17, pt.6)

I'm deliberately downplaying the book's association with Christianity because there is so much in this book that is helpful, regardless of religious faith.
Anyway, I was watching the little birds in our backyard learn to fly in the grass -- flying for a foot and hopping through. There are 5, I think. That's where I'm headed.