Living in the present

This is a new growing strength developing within me but it doesn't get full-time access to now because fears keep cropping up and I have to keep meditating/medicating/praying them away. Even sometimes when I do this the fear keeps swirling around and shifting its form. I have all this time to relax and I have to either read or remind myself to relax. This has to be the most difficult time of my life, and even that I'm struggling against realizing that it's real, and realizing that it's real. If you know what I mean.
There are ideas, there's living in the Now, the Holy Instant, the ego and what seems real at the time. There are sounds that go deep into the background, there's buzzing sometimes in my ears. Once upon a time my memories did happen and I cannot predetermine all future events. (Notice I didn't say any future events. I don't know, can we, or do we have to surrender that?) I know what I do now counts for later.
And I know sunny days are nicer than gloomy days.

As I get closer to knowing do I live or do I die, and even then do I live or do I die, I find that there's not much joy in pretending. Old roles have changed for me, or they're accellerated to now, blown up for view, studied and thrown away. I could cry all the time or I can really really do anything I can to bring myself into the now and stay here for a while, more and more. I guess that's how we or I accept things.

I have found that in moments of clarity I like to be with Mike, and that he makes the moment fun and good. Being present with him is great. I have had clarity with my family I think only because Mike's there and I feel safe, or because someone in my family has come forward to be present with me in love and understanding. I love my friends but I find that it can be awkward to be in this state around them, even though they would do anything to be helpful or loving.
I'm just so sad. But I become okay.