wills, battles of, need for, etc., death

Now that I'm thinking again of death, because of the nature of this collection of tumors, as well as their location, I'm going to write about what's hurting. I'm not ready to go. I have so many that I love here. The last time I was really thinking of Death was before Christmas, when everything was really close to it, it seemed. So many hospital stays and such rapid weakness.
Again, I find myself at the same place, thinking that I really truly finally decided that I had it together, at least on the outside, at least some security - job, finances, house, control. Then swish goes the carpet. Then swish again. I just do not want to die now. I do not. I love those I love so deeply now. Really most things do not bother me. I'm trying to forgive as I go along, and I'm really only stuck on one or two people.
I do realize that the physical pain is different this time. The deep tumors (3) I'm not aware of; the smaller ones are obvious. I don't want to die this year. I want to die when I'm 80 or older, not now. I think that I'm working so hard on creating a miracle then I forget to pray for a few days.
I don't feel smart enough for this.
All the beauty there is.
So much to learn and appreciate and see.
All the kindness.
I like what Mike and I have created together.
I really like who Mike is.
I really love Mike.
I really love our cats.
I love our families.
I love my friends.
I like my neighbours.
I love my town.
I love my little wrinkled face and my fluffy hair
and the way that I love God.
I really like giving gifts, now
and watching the things that I say.
I pay greater attention to detail for 5 seconds
then I forget.
I need waaaaaaay more time.
I remember Pat's wisdom and fashion my healing meditations/visualizations after hers, forgetting some parts sometimes.
Death to me is just a great big no-go.
These are the things that hurt. There are others I know who are hurting and my thoughts and prayers are with you. But truly a lot of my thoughts and prayers are with me, and thanking those who have prayed for me or thought of me.
My Dr. hasn't really discussed my tumors with me, because I think the situation is pretty bad.
It doesn't feel like it's lookin' good. Kind of like having a fabulous tan, looking great, eating well, and sinking in quick sand.
Love really is the thing, you know. It has been, all along. It's awful how we misplace it or ignore it or mistreat it or hoard it. Hide from it.
So with sheer determination and will power, I plan to live this year, and next year, take whatever chemo they give me, tests, etc., etc..
I hopefully will not fall into the shadow of depression and sorrow, but will trust to my developing religious leanings.
With imagined centrifugal force, I will not listen to my ego but rather the I behind the I. Instead of being blue I will stick like glue to life.
I will practice ACIM.
My Tibetan singing bowl and meditation I will do every day.
I will not do sit ups. yick.
With sheer determination and will power and God's love, my goal is to live. My faith must grow to meet the goal.